Much ado about printing

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Much ado about printing
Mossey Library will now require an ID to pick up print jobs. Courtesy | Collegian

If there’s one thing I love, it’s wasting my time, which is why I just adore the library’s new printing policy. For those of you who don’t know, the process of printing at the library has, like my grandma, developed a new wrinkle. Card scanners have been installed on all library printers, and, at first glance, the process seems easy enough. All print jobs are held in a queue and must be released one at a time. To do this, you take your ID and swipe right if you want to print, or swipe left if you think she’s ugly as sin. 

The new system has been in place for a few weeks now, and in my humble opinion, it’s a disgrace. A calamitous catastrophe of near cataclysmic consequence. The fatal flaw of the new scanners is an unreliable WiFi connection. 

Since the system cannot validate student IDs promptly (or at all, sometimes), large queues develop in and around the printers. People spend upwards of half an hour just waiting to print. Forrest Gump could read “War and Peace” before you got your paper printed. Something must be done. 

Now, just to be clear, I would never advocate for the student body to boycott the library until they return to the old printing system. If I was, I would tell you that there are free printers in the basement of Lane Hall and Dow Science. But I’m not telling you that.

The library says this new procedure was added to help eliminate paper waste. Great! As an avid conservationist, I don’t think it goes far enough. We as a student body should rally around this noble cause and eliminate the next biggest waste of paper on campus: Mossey Library! Those books could be put to much better use, like leveling desks in Dow Science. 

What this problem needs is an application of that same American grit and determination that tamed a continent, put a man on the moon, and invented obesity. Some tryhard once said that adversity creates opportunity, you just need to find it. And find it I have. 

Gentlemen, I propose we use the extra time spent waiting around the printer to pick up girls. To aid in this noble venture, I have written some of the rootinest, tootinest, printer-themed pickup lines money can buy. Which you can! To claim your printer pickup line, please write to Bob at 123 Hillsdale Street, Lagos, Nigeria. Send the cost of return mailing along with $14.99 in unmarked non-sequential bills. I’m so confident in these pickup lines I guarantee the next thing you’ll print is a marriage license.