Congrats gang! Hillsdale College has reported zero cases of COVID-19 for the past three weeks — no doubt thanks to our rigid enforcement of lockdowns, masks, and social distancing.
Even though we’re currently COVID-19 free, here are a few reasons why we should all still wear masks until the heat death of the universe.
Reason 1: Winning Arguments
Not only are masks a fantastic way to show your obedience to our infallible moral compass, Dr. Anthony Fauci, they are also a great way to get what you want. If some pleb slights you, just castigate them for not wearing a mask until they back off. It works nearly 100% of the time and is applicable to a wide variety of scenarios.
For instance: Someone take the parking spot you wanted? Yell at them for not wearing a mask. Someone have one too many items in the express checkout? Yell at them for not wearing a mask. Hit someone with your car? Yell at them for not wearing a mask.
Would Socrates have won his trial in the Athenian assembly if he had been wearing a mask? We’ll never know, but it’s easy to believe the judge would have at least knocked off the “corrupting the youth” charge.
If Aristotle had known about the effectiveness of masks as a rhetorical device he wouldn’t have had to write the “Rhetoric” and we wouldn’t have to take everyone’s second-favorite core class. Just think about that.
Reason 2: They’re Oh So Chic
Facemasks are sweeping the national fashion scene. Practically everyone who’s anyone is wearing one…or two, or three. When they first arrived in the spring of 2020, most people thought they were a fad item that would last two weeks before disappearing. But masks proved their doubters wrong and now, over a year later, they’re bigger than ever. They’ve become as American as apple pie and heart disease.
Not ones to waste a crisis, the folks in the fashion industry have leapt to turn masks into yet another product. Your mask doesn’t just need to fit properly over your nose and mouth, it can also say something about you. If you like living, laughing, and loving, perhaps consider wearing a mask that says “Live, Laugh, Love” (no need to thank me). If you’re a suburban mom with three kids, a dog, and a deadbeat husband, consider getting a stick-figure-family face mask to match the icons on the back of your Escalade.
Due to these considerations, it is paramount to find a mask that works for you. Some should find masks that accentuate their strong jawline or match their eyes, while others should wear masks that hide as much of their face as possible.
For those of you who don’t put any thought into your mask, ask yourself this: Are you wearing the mask, or is the mask wearing you?
Reason 3: Virtue Signaling
It used to be that the only way to show your moral superiority was by driving a compact electric car. But that meant only people you saw while driving would know how much better you were than them. By “masking up,” you can exhibit your moral authority at the library, the gym, while driving alone in your compact electric car, or even in the pool!
Don’t forget that wearing two masks makes you twice as righteous. Just like how if wearing one N-95 mask filters out 95% of particles, wearing two of them filters out 190%. It’s just science.
Nick Treglia is a sophomore studying history and applied mathematics.
