Bitter your professor gave you a C? Watch him fight your classmates, MMA-style!

Simpson Residence will host its annual “Simpson Smackdown” April 18 at 8 p.m. in the dormitory’s back courtyard with free admission, free concessions, and spoof betting. An all-star cast of student wrestlers and mystery professors will battle for campus glory. 

“Expect the biggest plot twist you’ve seen yet,” said senior and Simpson co-Head Resident Assistant Jonathan Williams. “To those who have attended this event in the past, come this year and you’ll see this saga come to a close in its third and final installment.”

According to Williams, Smackdown is a combination of scripting and improvisation. 

“It’s being written as it’s being performed,” Williams said. “We rehearse and plan but there’s nothing like watching it all happen. The nature of it is you just have to kind of wing it.”

A major draw of Smackdown is the mystery faculty cast, Williams said. 

“Though we are keeping most of our faculty and professor cameos a secret, I can promise that this year’s guests are people who most of the students on campus know,” Williams said. “If you’re trying to figure out who is in it and you’re trying to think of which professors would most likely do a thing like this, you’re asking the wrong question.”

Junior Angel Jimenez will reprise his role as the wrestler “El Bandito.”

“Smackdown is a decent investment. We practice and prepare multiple days a week, up to two weeks before the event,” Jimenez said. “The biggest challenge thus far has been getting all the right tattoos for El Bandito. He is very particular.”

According to junior Jack Baldwin, one of the “Towering Twins,” Simpson resident assistants have been busy building the ring and promoting the event. 

“The wrestling is pretty easy and comes naturally for guys,” Baldwin said. “No challenges so far — just a couple bruises.”

Junior Storm Drexler, one of the announcers, said this year’s smackdown will be the best one yet.
“The fights are more exciting, with tested fighters and winners from previous years up against each other and new blood rearing to hop into the ring,” Drexler said. 

Other combatants will include junior Luke “Towering Twin” Jones and freshmen Russel “Fettuccine Fred” Mangiapane and Blaine “The Amazing Human Spider” Connelly. 

“Most of our fighters are currently wrapping intense year-long training programs, although some have been slacking off, relying on superior weight, height, or wit to propel them to victory,” Drexler said. 

According to Jimenez, the stakes this year are higher than ever, especially for the fight between Chair and Professor of English Justin “Ghost Dog” Jackson and last year’s champion, junior Luke “Raging Bull” Waters. 

“That matchup will have by far the most animosity and should shake up to be the most riveting fight of the night,” Jimenez said. “I heard that Dr. Jackson has been poking the Bull in class, and I don’t think that’s going to work out very well for him come fight night, but we’ll have to wait and see what happens.”

Jackson has it out for Waters, Drexler said. 

“All year long we at Simpson Residence have been holding them back,” Drexler said. “But this weekend, the dogs are off their leashes. For one of them, embarrassing defeat awaits. For the other, eternal glory. The only way to see who comes out on top is to be at Simpson Smackdown!”

According to Jackson, his daughters will be giving him cornrows for the event, something he hasn’t worn since his basketball days. He said he assumes he’ll get hurt, but so will Waters. 

“Luke’s a man at this point, though a beardless one — sad! He knows all sorts of MMA stuff, but this isn’t Brazilian Jiujitsu, so I don’t have to get on the mat for him,” Jackson said. “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. I assume Luke will be as kind to me as I am to his papers. I would respect nothing less.”