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It’s me again — your old boy, Joseph Oldsboy. 

I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me, so I’ll be quick with the summary: I took a break from Hillsdale, spent the time when I wasn’t writing for The Collegian in striving to conform my life to the norms of philosophy through reflection and maturation, had two life-changing epiphanies when I visited a Buc-ee’s and asked Aristotle into my heart again, and managed to get to Prez Ball last week, which is what sparked all these meditations, anyway. 

My homecoming made me realize that I was no longer the same Joseph who used to visit monasteries after missing swing. I found I’d grown reflective — old in soul, one might say — and quickly identified the crucial change: I’m not a freshman anymore. 

Somehow, somewhere, I acquired wisdom, humility, nuance, humility, brevity, and even humility. For example, freshman Joseph would have said that Aristotle is the only philosopher worth reading, but sophomore Joseph now recognizes that Thomas Aquinas had some good things to say, too.

But the realization of my newfound maturity laid a grave burden on my heart and a burning question on my lips, one that every wise statesman ought to ponder. Should freshmen be allowed to date? 

Hillsdale’s mission is to elevate its students to self-governance. But sometimes, self-governance means that we must govern the freshmen with an iron fist until they become capable of rational thought. Would you let a hormonally imbalanced squirrel with impaired fine motor skills run around a busy parking lot entirely unsupervised while blindfolded people in Ford F-150s do doughnuts?

Of course not. And that’s exactly why we shouldn’t let freshmen go on dates, either. 

Here, there, and everywhere, I’ve seen young, blithe, first-year faces, chatting and taking up booths in SAGA for hours on end, sitting up ramrod-straight on a couch together in the Union discussing the Good, and even going on mid-afternoon walks in the Arb. Some of the poor little ones — I shudder to say it! — might even be doing depraved things like standing outside Olds talking about Donne or Evelyn Waugh until as late as 9 p.m. 

And I get it — I’ve been there. It’s that time of year again, when the frost is on the punkin and the lark is on the wing, when a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of spring. But that doesn’t mean we upperclassmen have to stand by idly as the freshmen all run around going on dates with one another. 

Either Jesus or Aristotle (it doesn’t really matter which) once wrote that virtue seeks the mean, and that means that virtuous, ethical dating must seek the mean. But let’s be clear: Freshmen are an extreme, the opposite to which are the seniors, who are all either engaged or married by now. 

Thus the only truly virtuous people on campus are the sophomores and juniors, who are therefore responsible for making sure that the freshmen don’t all completely blow the time they should be spending on Western Heritage papers playing “spin the bottle” in the Mac lobby. 

So my call to those of you who are no longer blinded by the wiles of freshmanity is this: Take care of your young, innocent, first-year compadres who haven’t yet taken American Heritage, and don’t let them play havoc with each other’s emotions this Valentine’s Day. Instead, restrain their passions — tie them up, if need be — and then wisely, temperately, and charitably celebrate the Feast of St. Valentine yourselves. 

Go in peace. Read Aristotle. 

Joseph P. Oldsboy is a sophomore majoring in Aristotelian Political Economy. He hopes to pursue a minor in Public Management and an ex in New Dorm.

This piece was edited by Zack Chen.