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Valentine’s is around the corner, with March on its heels. For many a Hillsdale man, that means one thing: ring by spring.
The phenomenon describes the many couples who go from boyfriend and girlfriend to fiancé and fiancée sometime in their latter years of college, especially in the final semester of senior year.
At this college, we are fortunate to be inundated with sage advice, whether from older peers, professors, or other mentors. Around the one-year mark of a relationship, people start to ask if it’s “serious.” It’s a gift to hear votes of confidence in the idea of young marriage when the world beyond Hillsdale is often bewildered by or disapproving of such a thing.
But consider this an anti-advice column: I had to learn the hard way that however valuable the input of our family and friends, only my fiancé and I could discern the right direction and timing of our relationship.
Brady and I met at 16 and started dating at 17. Midway through college, I was eager to begin the next stage of our relationship, having dated him for longer than some of our married peers had even been together. As we began to discern the next steps, we received sound advice from different friends pointing us in totally different directions.
For those of us who don’t consider divorce an option, marriage is an especially sobering decision. As much as we joke about the subject, it isn’t one to take lightly, much less to rush. A one-year turnaround might be plenty for some couples, but far too short for you, or vice versa. You’re the only one who can know that.
For Brady and I, that turned out to be four years of dating and an engagement last July. In retrospect, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Advice is by nature limited. In Jane Austen’s “Persuasion,” the meek Anne Elliot cuts off a relationship with the man she loves at the advice of a well-intentioned friend. When the lovers meet seven years later, Elliot comes to regret her former persuadability.
The friend, like Elliot’s Lady Russell, who issues advice as a divine edict is unwittingly doing you a great disservice. In contrast, the friend who truly respects you will conclude their advice with a note of freedom, expressing trust in your ability to learn and do what is best. And you ought to feel confident in that power.
An enormous part of our education at Hillsdale focuses on forming our moral intuition — the inner compass that enables discernment. The literature, history, theology, and art we absorb at Hillsdale educate our hearts as much as our minds, sharpening our judgment and equipping us to navigate thorny issues in our personal lives.
Our fast-paced student lifestyle promotes rapid-fire decision-making, but any kind of heavier decision demands a more reflective pace. If that means putting off your best friend’s pestering or mom’s questions for a while, do so. The “dream ring” Pinterest board can wait.
Caroline Kurt is a senior studying English.
