You know whom I really hate? These so-called “conservative Christians” who vote for Donald Trump. That’s why I will be casting my vote for Donald Duck this election… because I am a good person. 

Of course, I don’t really mean that I “hate” hate them — I don’t think I could “hate” hate anyone — but I just can’t understand their unsophisticated thought processes. Why would anyone ever vote for a former president who did a great job during his four years in office but who is also morally flawed? These people have got zero nuance. I pity them.

I suppose I can see why one might not want an incompetent former vice-president whose only priorities would seem to be killing babies and mutilating children to assume the highest office in the land. But at the expense of voting for a moral atrocity like Donald Trump? For me… never. 

You see, I’m a good person, so I would absolutely never vote for a fallen human being, especially not for president. The problem with Christians who vote for Trump is that they just don’t understand nuance: after all, choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing an evil, and I would never choose an evil. After all, I’m a good person.

We good people don’t win by voting for evils, especially if they’ve done terrible horrible things like tweet mean tweets or serve fries at McDonald’s as a political stunt. 

I just can’t fathom a politician who would disrespect you common people by claiming to have worked at McDonald’s as a publicity gag, and I’m pretty sure Trump is the only candidate in this race who’s done so. 

Worse, imagine voting for a politician with a long history of divisive rhetoric. Can you even imagine a politician using hate-filled generalizations about opponents? Once again, Trump is probably the sole candidate in this race to have done anything like that. And I’m supposed to vote for that?

So, what are we nuanced Christians to do this election cycle? Simple — just vote for Donald Duck. Sure, he may be two-dimensional and non-human, but at least he’s not Trump. 

Casting your vote for a fictional character isn’t wimping out: it’s simply not being complicit in the evil of voting for Donald Trump.

Think about the early Church. Those martyrs would never have done anything sinful and dumb like voting for a candidate the Roman press kept calling “literally Nero.” Especially not when they could have just let some power-hungry incompetent who wanted to kill babies all over the place win. Nosirreebob. They would have done something smart and holy and nuanced, like writing in Donaldus Duckus on their ballots. 

That way, the empress would still get elected over “literally Nero,” but at least those martyrs wouldn’t have sinned, because they were nuanced and good people. Like me. 

So I urge you. Don’t vote for Donald Trump. Vote for Donald Duck. We might end up getting Kamala elected simply by not doing anything, but at least it will be worth it because we won’t have sinned by voting for a sinful candidate. 

Gross — imagine sin, am I right? I mean, Trump’s sin, specifically. Couldn’t be mine, because I am a good and nuanced person. 

Donald Duck 2024!

 

Daniel French is a senior studying his own navel. His mom says he’s a good person. 

 

This piece has been edited by Zack Chen.