I do not believe it is possible to overstate the amount of time I have spent in the noon lunch line. Just yesterday, I was in line long enough to watch an entire Hillsdale romance run its course. The pair met by the library and were engaged by the time they got downstairs. I hear he proposed with an onion ring. 

Sure, the line may have been long in previous years, but I have never seen it double back so many times. Like Al Roker’s old belt, it goes round and round. What would otherwise be a mere inconvenience is aggravated by the summer temperature. Take the blazing noon heat from the outside, throw in an excess of body heat plus the cramped student union, and you’ve got a sweltering nightmare. It’s not just Clint Eastwood who has stood “In the Line of Fire.” Frankly, the entire thing is a disgrace from top to bottom. Not even Al-Qaeda would take credit for this act of terror.

A good bit of this congestion can be blamed on the new card scanners used to pay for your meal at the door. The problem with these new scanners is that like upperclassmen, they usually don’t read. This forces you to swipe several times, holding up the line in the process. Only the athletic department is happy with this situation. These scanners make the new logo just the second worst decision this year. 

I think it’s painfully clear to even the most casual observer that the dining hall has got more issues than “Sports Illustrated.” We don’t need any more jokes, we need solutions–which I of course have. First, I propose that the student body find new places to eat to help take pressure off the dining hall. If you’re looking for meat entrees, I’d visit the politics and science departments–I hear they have beef. If you’re looking for a snack, try Chi-O. 

I know what you’re saying. These solutions can only do so much to solve the problem, and will probably have a negligible effect. That may be true, but I’m here to tell you that there is hope. Metz has the power to fix the noon lunch line overnight. All they must do is hire one man. And that man is Hunter Biden. I hear he knows something about making lines disappear.