Every Wednesday at around 2:31 p.m. EST I pack up my bags in Mossey Library, say goodbye to my fellow library fiends, and make my way down to Penny’s, the campus-run coffee shop in New Dorm.
This ritual is my favorite of the week. I order a 10-ounce oat milk latte from Sam the Barista, sit myself down at the long wooden table by the window (the natural lighting is prime there), and resume my work with a renewed energy and frame of mind.
As I sip my cuppa and listen to the friendly pitter-patter of coffee shop conversation and the drone of Morrissey from The Smiths, I am confronted with a stirring realization: There are no men here.
This strikes me as somewhat odd as there are plenty of attractive female students, coffee (which, I am told, is an essential component of the student diet), and study space.
“Is it the distance from the main hub of campus?” I ask myself. No, for if that were the case, no one would ever go to the George C. Roche Sports Complex (and there are plenty of men there).
When I brought the matter up with one of my few friends of the opposite sex, he told me that according to the male psyche, Penny’s is an “estrogen fest” and no self-respecting man would be “caught dead” in Penny’s.
“It’s for babes, betas, and boyfriends,” he said.
This was quite a devastating revelation. So I resolved to write a treatise to convince my male colleagues that Penny’s is indeed worth their time. My argument is as follows:
- The coffee at Penny’s is without a doubt superior to that of AJ’s Cafe and Jitters. The espresso is smooth and the drink options are expansive. The scones and cookies are incomparable (normally hot out of the oven). Also, there are bagels.
- (I started with food because, I am told, that is the way to men’s hearts, but now I move to sex). The women at Penny’s are very attractive and many are single (!). How do I know this? Many women plan coffee dates with their girlfriends at Penny’s. A woman would not plan a coffee date if she had a boyfriend as she would obviously want to spend time with him instead. This makes Penny’s a great place to meet a potential romantic partner (and bring your guy friends, for there are enough women to go around).
- Penny’s is also close to the sports complex. Need a boost of caffeine before your workout? Penny’s can fulfill that need.
- My fourth and final point is the most important: Go where no man has gone before. Conquer the seemingly unconquerable. Obtain glory, fame, and honor for having the courage to breach the unbreachable. Go down in Hillsdale College history as the man who changed Penny’s culture for the better, making it accessible to your fellow band of brothers. You happy few. Replace the chaos of the feminine and the subsequent matriarchy of Penny’s with the order of the masculine and the patriarchy. Not only will your fellow male students thank you, but female students will, too.
It is time that order be restored to Hillsdale’s coffee scene, and that means more men must frequent Penny’s. My Wednesday afternoon ritual will be that much more enjoyable.
Victoria Marshall is a senior George Washington Fellow studying politics. She is the Science & Tech Editor of the Collegian.
