Simpson

“Simpson guys are like toddlers who keep saying, ‘Mom, watch this,’ but it’s just them running around campus wearing costumes and getting hurt.” Mercy Franzonello, Junior, McIntyre Residence head resident assistant

“For better or for worse, I’ve kicked out far more Simpson guys than any other kind over the years.” Catherine Graham, Senior, Townhomes head resident assistant

“Simpson is the kid who thinks he’s pretty cool.” Emily Schutte, Senior, Sohn Residence head resident assistant

Niedfeldt 

“Despite hosting a yearly event called ‘Hot Ones,’ there’s not a single hot one.” Franzonello

“Being very smart and very nice, Niedfeldt guys could be successful in talking to women if they tried.” Graham

“Niedfeldt is the little brother that is there for you, knows how to have fun, and is rather underrated.” Schutte

The Suites

“Guys live in the suites because their GPA is too low to get off campus but too high for academic dismissal.” Franzonello

“A squeaky clean, happy place where the RAs are very involved and all on-campus rules are strictly enforced.” Graham

“The Suites are the kids who really just want to be antisocial and spend time with their girlfriends without being harassed by the dorm.” Schutte

Galloway 

“Their whole personality revolves around publicly displaying their lack of muscles every Thursday night and being mad at Simpson.” Mercy Franzonello, Junior, McIntyre Residence head resident assistant

“A haven for sweet, nerdy little weirdos. Contrary to popular belief, they practice less nudity than Simpson does.” Catherine Graham, Senior, Townhomes head resident assistant

“Galloway is the middle child who doesn’t realize that tattling makes him unpopular.” Emily Schutte, Senior, Sohn Residence head resident assistant

Whitley 

“If never talking to women was an Olympic sport, Whitley would win gold.” Franzonello

“The time I’ve spent in the math and physics departments have introduced me to more Whitley residents than any other context, and they are consistently the students in the class who know everything — to quite an aggravating extent, actually.” Graham

“Who? Oh, yeah… Whitley. He’s the 30-year-old living in his mother’s basement playing Dungeons & Dragons and building his train sets and Lego Death Stars.” Schutte

Koon 

“It’s a men’s dorm?” Franzonello

“The Head RA is cool. He learned my name after two years of knowing me. And I think Sam Goetz lives there, and he’s also cool.” Graham

“Koon is the trans dorm. It can’t really decide whether it’s male or female.” Schutte

Illustrated by Maggie O’Connor.