Courtesy | Unsplash

There’s this new stimulant on campus. It neither stains your teeth nor burns your tongue like coffee, it doesn’t contain sickening amounts of sugar, and it doesn’t pack enough caffeine to stop a horse’s heart, like most energy drinks do.

Meet Zyn: a Swedish brand of small, tobacco-free nicotine pouches that students place between their lip and gum for a discreet yet satisfying nic hit. You should try it.

Unlike cigarettes, there’s no need to brave the bitter Michigan cold to consume this particular form of nicotine. And the repulsive juice that spitting tobacco brings to mind? Gone the way of the dodo bird and the quad.

Zyn comes in a handy compact container, which, if you flash it, will attract knowing smiles from fellow initiates. For those unfamiliar with Zyn, simply observe an athlete or frat boy for long enough, and the signature two-tone tin will inevitably make an appearance in his hands.

Students who partake (affectionately referred to as “Zynners”) swear by the beneficial cognitive effects of Zyn. They declare there is nothing more helpful for cramming for an exam or a headache-inducing homework session. Zyn’s nicotine helps them relax while improving their attention and focus — the perfect prescription for a stressed college student.

But there’s no need to simply take their word for it. A swift internet search reveals a plethora of scientific studies that come to the same conclusion: Nicotine has proven mental benefits. Reduced anxiety is one, due to elevated levels of beta-endorphin. Improved concentration and memory are another, thanks to increased activity of neurotransmitters.

Zyns are safe — even safer than never talking to girls — since their pouches are made of plant-based fibers and filled with food-grade ingredients, a contrast to the cancer-causing cocktail of chemicals labeled as cigarettes or the brain cell decimator known as alcohol.

You have a better chance of contracting cancer from eating a sizzling platter of processed bacon or tanning au naturel than from enjoying these little Swedish delights, which have the pleasant taste of gum without the incessant cow-like chewing.

Concerned about torn-up gums, nicotine-induced tummy aches, or other bodily ailments? The answer is what Cicero called the virtutem maximam: moderation. Just like alcohol or caffeine, nicotine should be used temperately and judiciously — more than your Mormon friend but less than the local Alpha Tau Omegas.

Student aficionados also cite the social aspect of Zyn as another reason to give it the ol’ college try. Asking a fellow student for one of their Zyns is a surefire way to break the ice and establish that sense of community and shared interest — without the seven-minute time commitment of smoking a cigarette together. Both the meathead athlete and the scrawny Latin enthusiast can find common ground by breaking bread together with a can of Zyn.

Thanks in part to the fellowship it inspires, Zyn is growing more popular, counting Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and UFC commentator Joe Rogan among the faithful. Even NFL quarterback Baker Mayfield surreptitiously popped in a Zyn on national TV.

In the truest sign of American acceptance, political leaders even squabbled about Zyn in the hallowed halls of Congress. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer called it a “pouch packed with problems.” Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene responded: “This calls for a Zynsurrection!”

Students (of legal age), heed her call. Join the Zynsurrection.

Charles Hickey is a sophomore studying the liberal arts.