We asked the head resident assistants of the men’s dormitories to describe their peer residences in one sentence. Here is what they said:

Simpson

“Simpson is very competitive and way too confident in its abilities as a dorm.” Senior Lance Lintereur, Whitley Residence head resident assistant

“I think their average GPA is probably a 2.8, if I had to guess.” Senior Noah Fuller, Koon Residence head resident assistant

“Too much testosterone and too little brain cells to know how to use it. But that mashup produces some Hillsdale legends.” Junior Nick Rutkoski, Niedfeldt Residence head resident assistant

Galloway

“Galloway prides themselves on being very smart, but they have almost no culture.” Lintereur

“I think the fact that their dorm theme is one of a prison says a lot. They’re stuck in the system and can’t get out, and I feel bad for them.” Rutkoski

“Feast is like a car accident so bad you can’t look away. Until you realize how bad the wimpy guys look shirtless. Then you want to look away.” Senior Jonathan Williams, Simpson Residence co-head resident assistant

Niedfeldt

“Niedfeldt has culture, but they are nerdy, and they don’t want to admit it.” Lintereur

“They’re kind of cool.” Fuller

“They’re kind of like Simpson’s little brother, it’s really adorable to watch them try to win homecoming and sort of become our mentees.” Williams

Whitley

“I bet Whitley secretly has an Underground Railroad or something.” Fuller

“A little brother that you used to clown on that is learning how to fight back now.” Rutkoski

“Whitley is kind of like a Southern Baptist church potluck — you’re going to get the most eclectic array of options, from the guy who can speak Sindarin to the guy who has a bug collection.” Williams

Koon

“Koon is trying their hardest.” Lintereur

“Wait, I thought you were just interviewing me about guys’ dorms?” Rutkoski

“They’re kind of like that Emo kid in middle school who nobody knows about, so they do something wild to get attention every once in a while. For Koon, it’s switching from a guys’ to a girls’ dorm.” Williams

Suites

“Suites never had culture — and it never will.” Lintereur

“Does anything happen over there?” Fuller

“Who?” Rutkoski

“It’s essentially just a retirement home for Simpson and Niedfelt guys who just want to have a place to live and play poker.” Williams

Illustrated by Maggie O’Connor.