A loving marriage may entail the thought of killing your spouse, Marie Bellet said jokingly in a Nov. 6 panel with her husband.

“I heard it said once that if you have not come up with a plan for how to hide the body, you have not been in love,” Marie Bellet said. 

For the past 15 years, Bill and Marie Bellet, who have been married for 38 years and have raised nine children, have counseled hundreds of engaged couples, according to Marie Bellet. In the Bellets’ speech titled “The Psychology of Marriage,” they emphasized the toll that marriage can take on one’s sanity.

“Marriage is the most exciting, meaningful, rewarding, frustrating, infuriating, and demanding relationship you will ever experience,” Bill Bellet, a clinical psychologist, said. 

Marie Bellet added that marriages are a witness to hope.

“It’s in the context of marriage that we create families where we pass on culture and nurture individuals with high ideals, who trust and love and who are willing to do hard things for others,” Marie Bellet said. “The home should be a place where there’s kindness, forgiveness, a sense of humor — where people are well-known and well-loved.”

The Bellets’ speech in Plaster Auditorium was interspersed with original songs about marriage and family life written and performed on stage by Marie Bellet, who was accompanied by her son, sophomore Dave Bellet, on the guitar. Pictures of the Bellet children growing up were displayed in the background alongside the presentation. 

“Once you’re married, you are in the service industry,” Bill Bellet said. “In marriage, sacrificial love is imaged, not only for ourselves, but especially for those who are watching. We are forming souls for heaven, and our marriage is our gift to the Lord.”

Marie Bellet said marriage helps transform husband and wife through the gift of self.

“Marriage demands that we get out of our comfort zone and out of ourselves,” she said. “But the bad news is marriage demands that we get over ourselves, and that is always a painful process.” 

Marie Bellet said successful marriages are rooted in service rather than the culture of victimhood that is prevalent today.

“People today tend to tell themselves that the difficulty of relationships is not their fault, that the expectations of a relationship are often unreasonable, or that they should not have to put up with a flawed individual,” she said. 

Instead, she said, we should not blame a flawed individual for not meeting our needs, because marriage asks us to look beyond ourselves.

“Having a strong marriage is not just about picking the right person, but about being the right person,” Marie Bellet said. “Marriage is mostly a battle with ourselves. Our spouse is simply the provocateur.”

Marie Bellet said one primary area that can create misunderstandings and cause trouble in relationships is the differences between men and women. 

“Men are oriented outwards toward the world and action,” Marie Bellet said. “They are single, focused, and wired for productivity. Women are more receptive to people and are oriented toward nurturing and the subtlety of relationships. They are wired for connection.”

Bill Bellet said this leads to men and women having different emotional needs.

“Men need an affirming and receptive spouse,” Bill Bellet said. “Women are like a battery that energizes men and gives meaning to their efforts. They love when a woman is peaceful, confident, and playful — it makes it feel like everything’s OK in the world.”

Bill Bellet said for marriage to work, men should communicate effectively with women, and women should respect and affirm men.

“What do we need from each other?” Bill Bellet said. “Women say, ‘Recognize the inherent goodness and beauty within me, adore me, and I will receive you and nurture you.’ Men say, ‘Believe in me and in what I can achieve, and I will protect and provide for you.’”

Marie Bellet said ultimately, marital sacrifice is not just about the dramatic and noticeable sacrifices, but also about the things no one gets credit for.

“Most sacrifices are not even noticed by the very people you are sacrificing for,” Marie Bellet said. “Most sacrifices are just really irritating. And if you simply accept the small irritations, and are free of all that simmering resentment, you can see what’s good in your spouse again.”

Sophomore Madeleine Fleury said she found the talk to be insightful, and she liked how the Bellets incorporated music into their presentation.

“I think using Marie Bellet’s music was a super unique and great idea,” Fleury said. “I think it is so wholesome that she made songs about relationships, her family, and her life. It gave us a beautiful piece of their family dynamic.”

Freshman Bo Brannon said the part about loving one’s spouse despite their differences stood out to him.

“I like how they said you’re always going to have differences,” Brannon said. “Trying to focus on seeing the good in the other person and also learning to love those differences is really important for any successful marriage.”