Let’s face it: the Hillsdale dining hall is no Garden of Eden, but it doesn’t have to be the bottom of Dante’s Inferno. To keep the happy medium — or even bring the dining hall closer to an experience of Paradisio — here are the seven dining hall deadly sins to avoid. 

The first and greatest dining hall deadly sin is moving someone’s phone or wallet to a different table. Picture this: You rush into the dining hall and plop your belongings onto the last open booth while you wait in the mile-long line for chicken parmesan. You return, excited to finally eat, and discover someone moved your phone to the round table right across the way because they wanted that booth. 

Commit this sin, and you risk the wrath of your peers — upperclassmen especially.

“It’s so heinous and appalling even to consider that that has ever happened,” junior Anna Heldt said. 

The second deadly sin is a lesser offense: congregating in the area by the conveyor belt. As college students, one would think we all understand the most efficient way to walk to places and keep traffic flowing, but somehow, people always decide the best place to have a conversation is on their way to the exit. Sometimes, a brief conversation on your way to leave is unavoidable, but clogging the traffic flow is inconvenient to others.

Deadly sin three is sitting at an established table you don’t belong to. It’s common that different groups commandeer various tables — Simpson, football, Galloway — but some people never figure out these tables exist, which can lead to a pretty awkward realization at some point during the meal. Most table members won’t mind if someone accidentally sits at their table, but avoiding those established tables is best to save yourself some embarrassment. 

Deadly sin four is making a huge mess. Whether from skyconing or eating like an animal, the Metz staff have to clean up whatever mess you make. The Metz staff work long and hard shifts, and let’s not forget our commitment to self-government as Hillsdale students. Having fun in the dining hall is great, but clean up after yourself. 

The fifth deadly sin concerns the world of Hillsdale relationships: dining hall first dates. Gentlemen, if you want to impress a lady, figure out a way to take her somewhere, anywhere, other than the dining hall. 

“I don’t even think there is such a thing as a Saga date,” junior Jonathan Williams said. “Going to Saga is like, ‘I don’t want to pay.’ Have some creativity.” 

The sixth sin is sitting on the same side of the booth as your boyfriend or girlfriend when you’re the only ones in the booth. It’s fine if you want to enjoy dinner together as a couple. Just realize everyone else in the dining hall wants to enjoy their dinners, too, so keep the PDA to a minimum if only out of respect for your fellow students. 

“I don’t want to see your PDA while I’m having a moment with my double cheeseburger,” said sophomore Cole Timmler. 

And last, but certainly not least, is deadly sin seven: playing the dining hall piano. 

“You are sitting there just trying to enjoy your meal,” Heldt said. “Saga is overstimulating anyway, and all of a sudden, the strains of some overplayed, overemotional sound comes drifting to your ears, and your stomach sinks because you know someone is playing the Saga piano.” 

Many students relax in the dining hall after spending hours in a classroom. Have the decency to allow them that time without bombarding them with music and distracting them from their conversations.

The seven dining hall deadly sins are by no means hard and fast rules of living. Still, avoiding these sins may shorten your time in Purgatorio and even bring your dining hall experience a little closer to an experience of bliss.