My first reaction to a male classmate who made a dismissive comment about sexual assault involved a fantasy about inflicting a minor act of violence against him. But after a brief conversation, I realized that he had never felt what it was like to be unsafe with another person — to be violated or exploited in a way so personal it alters your life. It showed me that men need to be included in discussions about assault, even when their input may be initially ignorant.
The “no uterus, no opinion” line, which originates from the American sitcom “Friends” seems alluring to weaponize when men throw about stupid comments in a classroom. But the truth is that we need men in these conversations. Men hold a lot of power, whether that’s in male-dominated administrations at a college or in national politics. If we push them out of the conversation, we limit what actual change is possible. Without their support, movements get reduced to women complaining and assault gets watered down to poor decisions.
Commentary like my classmate’s makes women exclude men from conversations about sexual assault and harassment. It’s hard to hear lines about how the women were dressed, who was “deserving” of what, and the supposedly angelic young men whose lives are being upturned, and then welcome a level-headed conversation about misconduct. But it has to happen.
You don’t have to like the women involved or be related to them to care. But you do have to treat them as humans. That begins with not hurling insults.
When men only talk to other men, comments can spiral out of control and become even more malicious. And when they leave the locker room or the bar, those comments can have real-world consequences for women coming forward with their stories. It is much harder to make haphazard fashion or character critiques when women are present and share their own experiences.
When it comes to assault and harassment, women usually find solace in one another. Through female relationships women acknowledge, work through, and build connections with others regarding this shared trauma.
And often, it is with individuals you’d least expect — a creepy family member, a trusted, “hip” teacher, an older ex-boyfriend, or a friend gone sour. A relationship someone may consider safe quickly becomes the abuse women have been taught to fear since puberty. Despite years of expectation or trepidation, nothing matches the isolating nature of having a personal boundary violated or shattered.
Men should not be shut out of discourse surrounding sexual assault, but regarding situations in which women are made to be victims, specifically of crimes like sexual assault, it is first and foremost an opportunity for men to listen. It is a chance for men to hear what women are thinking about the situation at hand and how their own experiences relate to those of local or national focus.
Women don’t owe anyone their stories. But their perspectives on assault and the cultural effects of it are invaluable, and when shared can welcome men into a conversation in which they are not enemies, but allies.
