Marriage therapist speaks on dating

Marriage therapist speaks on dating

Finding a person who works to be better is essential for a good relationship, marriage therapist Greg Schutte said on April 13.

“Find that person that you want to suffer through life with,” Schutte said. “You want to find someone who helps you on the journey of life, not complete you.” 

As announced in the Student Activities Board weekly newsletter, Schutte is the current director of Marriage Works! Ohio for the last 16 years. Schutte attended the University of Dayton for his undergraduate degree, and the Ohio State University to earn his master’s degree in social work. Schutte has been married for 29 years.

Schutte spoke on “Dating: Balancing the Head and the Heart,” and said the overall theme of his talk was understanding the importance of following your heart without losing your head. He referenced the book, “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind,” by John Van Epp. He also referenced the book “Hooked: The Brain Science On How Casual Sex Affects Human Development,” by Joe S. McIlhaney Jr. and Freda McKissic Bush. 

Schutte said students should be alert for these warning signs when searching for a partner: someone who breaks boundaries, lacks empathy, and lacks emotional control. 

“Another sign is someone who shows persistent resistance to change,” Schutte said. 

According to Schutte, good-hearted people are the most at risk of entering a bad relationship. 

“Sometimes we can think ‘my love will really change him or her,’ and we run the risk of trying to fix someone,” he said. 

Schutte said it is important to spend a lot of time building friendships and really getting to know someone. 

“Healthy people make healthy choices,” Schutte said. “Getting yourself healthy is the first step in that.”

Schutte quoted St. Augustine of Hippo to describe the value of transparency in a relationship. 

“The deepest desire of every human heart to be seen, and see another in that same way,” Schutte said, quoting Augustine.

According to Schutte, trust is essential in a relationship. Trust is based on how well you know someone, and how accurate that perception of knowing them is, he said. When we pace relationships the right way, we build trust. 

According to Schutte, cohabitation and sexual intimacy before marriage lacks commitment and makes it difficult for an individual to eventually commit in a marital relationship.

“It’s like duct tape to your arm. “When you essentially give parts of yourself away to someone in those ways, it hurts much more when the relationship ends,” he said. 

Schutte said he doesn’t believe the trend of “Hillsdating” is healthy, and instead can be damaging.

“Gentlemen, we have the higher responsibility here. Be honest with her,” Schutte said. “It’s important to ask someone on a date. You don’t have to be committed, but it’s important. If you have an interest, there’s nothing wrong with asking on a date. It doesn’t mean we’re going to get married, it just means you’re interested and would like to explore that.”

Freshman Eleanor Whitaker said she learned a lot from Schutte’s lessons.

“After going to Mr. Schutte’s talk, the world of men is no longer daunting,” Whitaker said. “I feel like I have a greater knowledge of what a relationship that glorifies God looks like. A good relationship is not as much about personality compatibility as it is about searching for a person who is also trying to grow in their faith and character, and dating is the process of discovering that person.” 

Freshman Jihye Kim also enjoyed what Schutte had to say. “I appreciated his perspective on ‘Hillsdating’ because he called for honesty and open communication. Oftentimes, one sees a couple lying to themselves and to each other in terms of their feelings and intentions, and it’s quite frankly painful to watch.”