A.J’s should transform for the Super Bowl. Colette Peterson | Collegian

When the Philadelphia Eagles and Kansas City Chiefs face off in Super Bowl LVII on Feb. 12, there is only one place you should be: A.J.’s Cafe. 

But to host a super bowl watch party will require an all-encompassing, one-day-only modification: transforming A.J.’s into a sports bar and grill. Instead of the usual, depressing lofi music and students pretending to do homework, A.J.’s should be filled with the voices of broadcasters Kevin Burkhardt and Greg Olsen, the smell of real game food, and sports fans who can shout “fly, Eagles, fly.” 

We’re two weeks into the semester and already tired of the same “good enough” grab-and-go. The Big Game demands Big Game food. Wings, thin fries, and nachos should all be on the menu. Keep the ice cream, though. It’s the most edible source of protein on campus.

It  felt like more people showed up for World Cup events in the student union than any other sports-watching party. Instead of luring people with cookies, imagine if we showed them a sport we didn’t have to pretend to enjoy. There’s no flopping, crying, or Mexican commentators stretching the word “goal” for half an hour. We also have ads! You know it’s an American pastime when more people tune in for commercials than the game.

Football fans are loyal. Let’s provide each team their own section: Eagles fans on one side, Chiefs fans on the other. Give the Eagles fans riot masks (they’ll need them, win or lose), and the Chiefs fans, the defense they need. In addition to filling our equity and inclusion quotas for the furry fandom, we’ll stick a Bengals fan in the middle so that, no matter who wins, we can always blame the refs. Finally, against our better judgment, we’ll invite grieving Cowboys fans and give them their own private section from which to chant together “It’s our year!”

But wait, there’s more. Rihanna is slated to provide the halftime show. If it’s anything like previous halftime shows, it’ll require some serious censorship. To protect so many young and innocent students, A.J.’s should cut the feed and play the greatest hits of Silly Songs with Larry. You think Rihanna would do a rendition of “The Water Buffalo Song?” Of course, not.  

The result of the football game may cause some tears. But no matter who wins, there will be one final show of unity. Hundreds of football fans can join together and sing the infamous refrain of the football-watcher’s 2022-23 season: “WHOPPER, WHOPPER, WHOPPER, WHOPPER . . .”