Here we are again. It’s less than 30 minutes into the three-hour premiere of ‘The Bachelor,’ and you guessed it, I can practically hear the wedding bells. If you follow the Bachelor franchise, you know what it promises — a chance at true love, female empowerment, diversity — but let me save you the time.
Meet season 24’s bachelor: Peter Weber, an airline pilot desperately trying to find his “co-pilot.” After having his heart crushed by “Alabama Hannah” Brown, last season’s Bachelorette, Peter accepted a bid to be this season’s bachelor — and with it, an opportunity to get to know 30 mid-tier Instagram influencers.
As the show begins, we get a chance to meet the women who will be vying for Peter’s heart.
The introductions start as they often do — limos packed with girls ready to make a lasting first impression. The ladies have never met Peter, but rest assured, he is the one.
Right out of the gate, we’re hit with some promising contestants. There’s Hannah Ann, whose passions are Jesus and lip gloss; Maurissa, though you might know her as Miss Montana Teen USA (a rather prestigious title); and Kelsey, a professional clothier (I’m just as confused as you).
Next, there’s Alayah who brings a special something to give to Peter — a letter. It’s composed by her dear Grandma Rose, and get this, Peter also has a grandma named Rose! It’s fate. It’s also a painfully awkward way to greet a stranger.
And just when you thought the girls couldn’t get any better, here comes Jenna — with her emotional support cow, Ashley P. The devil works hard, but the bachelor producers work harder.
The girls make their way inside and head straight for the bar cart. Soon enough, Peter enters the house, with all 30 women waiting to sink their perfectly manicured claws into him.
The conversations are dull and pointless, but sweet Mykenna, who “considers her ability to dance with a full glass of wine and not spill a drop” her greatest talent, already knows that her and Peter have the makings of the “greatest love story of all time.” Granted, she did speak with him for a whole two minutes, which translates to three years in Bachelor time.
Hannah Ann, our resident Jesus lover, gets the first impression rose and proves that there is room in Peter’s heart for another Hannah. Unfortunately, 29 other women are left heartbroken — they were sure they would be Peter’s first pick.
The night concludes with a riveting rose ceremony. Like every Bachelor before him, Peter makes sure to choose the dramatic girls first, let the boring ones go, and keep a few ethnic women in the mix.
And as tensions rose during the ceremony, tears fell. Poor Katrina (one of the boring ones) thought her and Peter were “meant to be together,” she said. “I didn’t see it coming at all.” Neither did we, Katrina. Neither did we.
It does certainly seem that this season has all the makings of a perfect love story: a house full of materialistic women, a man with 30 (29 now, sorry Katrina) girlfriends, and cringe-worthy airplane puns.
Will Peter find love? My money is on Ashley P.
Let the games begin.
