Hillsdale may be a national leader in free online learning, but what should stop us from becoming a world leader?
Right now, we only offer online courses that line up with the college’s values — courses that promote the good, the true, the beautiful, etc. etc. YAWN. We need to expand our reach by lowering our standards and to increase our commercial appeal by giving the people that juicy stuff they love to hate.
This means vibrant courses. Daring propositions. Dubious conclusions. No more sensible lectures from Dr. Rahe. We need glitzy, promotional courses peppered with the occasional platitude or truism that hurl a blunt zinger smack in the face of the hoi polloi.
So with this in mind, consider this new and improved list of online courses. If the college advertises them like this, we’re sure to hit a homerun!
1. The Living Constitution 101
Taught by some freshmen from Niedfeldt, this course will introduce you to the fact that History consists of nothing more than a series of dialectics. You’ll learn that the Constitution is simply a yellowed document written by wrinkly, slave-owning males that in no way applies to our present time. By the end of the last video, you’ll be thinking, “It’s a cruel world out there — and American exceptionalism is a myth — but at least I’m informed.”
2. A Cigar with Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill was the greatest statesman of the twentieth century, but he was also one of history’s most prolific cigar smokers. From a young age, Churchill understood that nicotine is the best solution to stress. So take a hint from the master and smoke when you’re stressed out! A close study into Churchill’s cigar-smoking habits will teach you timeless lessons about the virtue of procrastination and the values of addiction, skills required to get away with doing just the bare minimum on any given work day.
3. The Road to K Street
If you think rising to self government is too hard, then this is the place for you. Filmed at the Allan P. Kirby Center for Constitutional Studies and Citizenship in Washington, D.C., this course teaches you how to live like the real great American statesmen: K Street Lobbyists. Rather than pursuing liberty, these new Ciceros manipulate, litigate, and bribe lawmakers. But when it comes to public policy, they get results. And, with the help of this course, you can too.
4. The Eggs Benedict Option
Our flagship online culinary course, the Eggs Benedict Option teaches you how to make some of the best eggs in the world. But at the same time, it teaches the value of shunning your fellow man when he disagrees with your cooking expertise. Because, as Benedict Opiners of all stripes know, it’s dismissal and not open discourse that will bring about truth’s ultimate victory over evil.
5. Philosopher Aesthetic
What if Aristotle and Aquinas were on Tumblr? What if thousands of years of Philosophical discourse were compressed into a long stream of Facebook comments? Well … now they are! This course, a compilation of all of the wisdom that bow-tied and pomaded Simpson residents have ever posted on social media, gives you a taste of what the examined life is really like. Philosophy — it’s an internet battle for intellectual superiority. Religion — it’s a great tool for argumentation, but really nothing more than a decoration for your resume. In the end, we’re all just animals, screaming and wailing for attention.
Thank you for extending yours.
