Secrets: We all have them. They can consume your life and even threaten it. Mine nearly stole my life. And that’s when I decided they could no longer remain secret.
When many of us think of addiction, we immediately picture substance abuse, such as alcohol or illegal drugs. But as I’ve come to realize, nearly anything can become an addiction when it interferes with our daily life, serving as a primary but maladaptive source of security, relief, or comfort. And nearly all of us have this in in our lives — a “go-to” that helps us deal with life’s hardships.
These coping mechanisms are often shrouded in shame, and they quickly become secrets — skeletons in the closet that we either aren’t aware of or don’t want to acknowledge but can’t seem to surrender. We can become addicted to substances, behaviors, or even people, either by conscious choice or by unconscious attempts to “survive.” Addictions can come in the form of abusing alcohol, tobacco, prescription and illegal drugs; abusive behaviors such as over-exercise, sex, or work; restricting, bingeing, and purging food; and so much more.
All forms of addiction temporarily keep us from feeling uncomfortable. They can distract us from negative emotions or situations with which we don’t want to deal. They can give us a strong but temporary and fleeting sense of control, solace, relief, and even pleasure. I never realized that addictions functioned in this way until I struggled with my own form of addiction — an eating disorder — and came to a point where I knew I needed help because my life was at stake, both figuratively and literally. I used to think that eating disorders were all about the food or an obsession with being thin, just as I held the misconception that other addictions, such as alcoholism, were all about the pleasure of consuming the substance.
But that’s not what it’s all about. Eating disorders are not about the food or the body. That is only the surface. Like all addictions, those behaviors and obsessions are symptoms of a deeper problem: Pain that needs healing.
Addictions are like a check-engine light: They alert us to something that’s going on beneath the surface to which we must attend. Life is full of hardships; addiction maladaptively “helps” us cope with the unresolved hardships that become traumas. Many of us think of trauma as only severe physical or sexual abuse. However, trauma encompasses a variety of experiences: verbal and emotional abuse, pain from dysfunctional families, bullying, failure in high-pressure situations, and so much more.
When the pain from these experiences becomes unbearable or embedded so deeply we fail even to recognize its existence, we often turn to addictive substances and behaviors to help us cope.
Addictions cannot be solved by eliminating the behavior or removing the substance. These are necessary steps and part of the healing process, but they are not the goal. Healing the addiction’s cause — the internal wound — is the ultimate goal; giving up the behavior or substance naturally follows.
Recovering from an eating disorder, I see myself and the world completely differently from how I did before I took a semester off for treatment. When I returned to Hillsdale, I saw this campus in a new light. I have realized I am not alone in my battles: I am one of many, many perfectionists, workaholics, and over-achievers here. I am one of countless who have worn a mask for so long that we believe it is our true identity. And now, after I’ve been hit hard with reality and have chosen to accept it, I am in recovery from not only an eating disorder, but also from perfectionism, depression, and other mental and physical battles.
I say all this because I believe that addictions are more prevalent on this campus than most of us realize. And I believe it’s time we start talking about it, with courage and compassion.
Secrets begin to lose their power when brought into the light. It is time we open up the conversation on this campus and begin to talk about what’s really going on — what’s behind the mask. This means bravely voicing our own battles, seeking help, and inviting others to join us. We all carry burdens — it’s part of the human condition — but that doesn’t mean we have to struggle in secret.
