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Chick-Fil-A
Junior Lydia Barrows is a Chick-Fil‑A fanatic. Col­legian | Hannah Cote

Waiting in line is a lot like clubbing a baby seal — only psy­chopaths really enjoy it. 

Not only are lines minor annoy­ances, they can be down­right ter­ri­fying. Everyday we live in fear of some line that is intent on ruining our lives — no one is safe from their nefarious influence, regardless of age, gender, or how old they are. Stu­dents fear dead­lines, politi­cians fear head­lines, and Lebron James fears hairlines. 

Lines are inescapable in modern society, com­manding a level of fear and respect once reserved for the Orange Crocs Guy. But there is one line in par­ticular that has, of late, cap­tured the attention and hangry ire of the Hillsdale student body. I am, of course, speaking of the noon lunch line in the dining hall, a strong piece of evi­dence against the claim “bigger is better.” I was shocked, absolutely shocked to learn the dining hall had problems. I almost couldn’t believe it at first. But believe me friends, some­thing is seri­ously wrong and must be fixed fast.

Noon lunch now resembles bread­lines in an old Soviet-era newsreel. To beat the rush, some 11 a.m. classes are switching from “online” to “in-line” learning.

Eagle-eyed diners may have also noticed that our inter­na­tional food station, Passport, has often not had food during meals, leading many to spec­ulate they have closed. This is actually not the case. Passport has never been closed. They have just been fea­turing North Korean cuisine. 

The present con­di­tions make it obvious to even the most casual observer that Hillsdale College is in dire need of a sec­ondary dining estab­lishment. But what? And where?

We must bulldoze Olds and build a Chick-Fil‑A right on top of it. Why Chick-Fil‑A? The answer is obvious, and three-fold. 

Firstly, Chick-Fil‑A’s aggres­sively effi­cient business prac­tices will relieve the noon lunch congestion. 

Sec­ondly, finding employees will be easy. Campus has too many girls who wear skirts with sneakers and too many boys named Micah for there to be any kind of Chick-Fil‑A labor shortage. 

Finally, a campus Chick-Fil‑A would help faith life. It’s only fair that since the Catholics got the chapel, the Protes­tants get their own place, too. At long last, SOMA will have a home.