Waiting in line is a lot like clubbing a baby seal — only psychopaths really enjoy it.
Not only are lines minor annoyances, they can be downright terrifying. Everyday we live in fear of some line that is intent on ruining our lives — no one is safe from their nefarious influence, regardless of age, gender, or how old they are. Students fear deadlines, politicians fear headlines, and Lebron James fears hairlines.
Lines are inescapable in modern society, commanding a level of fear and respect once reserved for the Orange Crocs Guy. But there is one line in particular that has, of late, captured the attention and hangry ire of the Hillsdale student body. I am, of course, speaking of the noon lunch line in the dining hall, a strong piece of evidence against the claim “bigger is better.” I was shocked, absolutely shocked to learn the dining hall had problems. I almost couldn’t believe it at first. But believe me friends, something is seriously wrong and must be fixed fast.
Noon lunch now resembles breadlines in an old Soviet-era newsreel. To beat the rush, some 11 a.m. classes are switching from “online” to “in-line” learning.
Eagle-eyed diners may have also noticed that our international food station, Passport, has often not had food during meals, leading many to speculate they have closed. This is actually not the case. Passport has never been closed. They have just been featuring North Korean cuisine.
The present conditions make it obvious to even the most casual observer that Hillsdale College is in dire need of a secondary dining establishment. But what? And where?
We must bulldoze Olds and build a Chick-Fil‑A right on top of it. Why Chick-Fil‑A? The answer is obvious, and three-fold.
Firstly, Chick-Fil‑A’s aggressively efficient business practices will relieve the noon lunch congestion.
Secondly, finding employees will be easy. Campus has too many girls who wear skirts with sneakers and too many boys named Micah for there to be any kind of Chick-Fil‑A labor shortage.
Finally, a campus Chick-Fil‑A would help faith life. It’s only fair that since the Catholics got the chapel, the Protestants get their own place, too. At long last, SOMA will have a home.