McIntyre

“The only fire they can bring is their way-too-often fire alarms — probably because they can’t cook as well as Olds — or they can’t handle the heat of the Niedfeldt guys they do indeed have crushes on (#theydoindeedhavehotones)” Senior Jonathan Williams, Simpson Residence head resident assistant

“They bring the fire for everything except their homecoming banners.” Senior Lance Lintereur, Whitley Residence head resident assistant

“Mac brings the fire, but can’t take the heat. Dream on Mercy, you just got beat.” Junior Nicholas Rutkoski, Niedfeldt Residence head resident assistant

Olds

“Even if I had something scathing to say about the Christy Maier fan club, I would be made speechless by their humongous and awesome door in the lobby. O-L-D-S, Olds girls are the best.” Williams

“I hear that Olds girls are the best, but I haven’t seen any proof yet.” Lintereur

“If Olds is ‘A New Hope’ for freshmen guys, the union couches are ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ for the rest of campus.” Rutkoski

Waterman

“Campus hasn’t seen anything out of this place since Waterman Water Tasting a couple years ago. I also haven’t really seen this place, and I’m still not actually sure it’s even a real place.” Williams

“The greatest gifts come in the small packages.” Lintereur

“They have a really nice house. I really like their house.” Senior Noah Fuller, Koon Residence head resident assistant

“Not known for their water or their men.” Rutkoski

Mauck

“You have to put up with mold to have a Solarium and piano that nice, but I’m with the women of Mauck that the trade-off is very much worth it.” Williams

“The forgotten women’s dorm.” Lintereur

“Mauck dorm looks like a Victorian era building, and the residents of Mauck conduct themselves like Victorian era women. Most people of noble birth find it improper to go calling at that illustrious estate.” Rutkoski

Townhomes

“Sometimes I feel like West Street is the ‘Great Gatsby’ and the Townhomes are East Egg whereas Simpson is the Valley of Ashes. I kind of have beef with the Townhomes ever since they called security on Land Battle night with a noise complaint, but this could be made up for if they invited the Simpson guys over for a Jay-Gatsby-level mixer.” Williams

“Townhomes literally called the cops at Land Battle.” Fuller

“The women of the Townhomes are extremely studious. They even have 8 a.m. classes. Therefore, it is very important that they get to bed early. If you interfere with this, they will call the cops on you.” Rutkoski

Benzing

“I think if you live in Olds you either go live in Sohn and work for SAB or you go live in Benzing and start your knitting career. For me, this is the last building I have to walk by before getting my Brown Sugar Shaken Espresso from Penny’s, so I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with it.” Williams

“Maybe the only dorm that can claim the right to being the worst quality building over Olds.” Lintereur

“If new Olds wasn’t an oxymoron it’d be a great name for Benzing.” Rutkoski

Sohn

“Why get a Netflix subscription to watch ‘Gossip Girl’ when you can just live in Sohn? I think there are more laundry machines in that ‘hotel’ than there are girls with boyfriends, but if I had a kitchen and study nooks as nice as they did I don’t know if I’d ever want to go out with a guy either.“ Williams

“Usually spending an extended period of your life at a hotel means you are on vacation or homeless. This seems to be the case for women of Sohn.” Rutkoski

Kirn/New Dorm

“Somehow the Taylor Swift fan club turned into English major central in a blink of an eye. They kind of went from a Kappa pipeline to a Collegiate Scholars Program pipeline, and I know this because I spend nearly every day in Penny’s.” Williams

“They can’t even get their name right.” Lintereur

“I think it’s funny that we call them New Dorm, because they’re not.” Fuller

“People visit New Dorm more for Alex Cho’s boba than for the residents.” Rutkoski

Koon

“I’ve been seeing the gender dysphoric signs as I’ve watched them grow up for four years now, but I trust Rylan Conley to lead the women of Koon well next school year!” Williams

“I guess they are still a girl’s dorm, aren’t they?” Lintereur

“Ahahahaha.” Fuller

“Wild ’coons typically live for 2-4 years, which is more than any Koon resident could say.” Rutkoski