It’s cuffing season, but your friends shouldn’t suffer for it. 

When you begin a new romantic relationship, it’s easy to leave your old friendships in the dust. After all, you’re now spending all your time on Miss or Mr. Perfect. It’s hard to see where other friendships could even fit into your new schedule. 

But not only does this pattern breed resentment among your friends, it deeply harms you and your relationship. Underlying this is the assumption that a boyfriend or girlfriend is a better version of a same-sex best friend — that you need one or the other, but not really both. In doing so, we equate our need for platonic friendships with that for romantic relationships and ultimately marriage. 

Though it may feel like a girlfriend or boyfriend can replace the love your same-sex friendships give you, that’s just not true. We’ve all experienced the joy of being “with the girls” or “with the guys” — there are certain conversation topics and types of humor that can only live in a same-sex context. Women can affirm and guide one another in a way a man cannot, and vice-versa. 

I was lucky to grow up in a community created by my parents’ many friendships. It was almost too much to keep track of as a kid: dozens and dozens of families and adults were introduced to me as “Mom’s friends from…” or “Dad’s friends from…” Clearly, my parents had worked to nurture and sustain friendships made both before and after their marriage. 

When my mother passed away suddenly in 2022, these friends rallied around our family with astonishing speed and generosity. Their support lasted long after the funeral and is a major reason my family is thriving today. 

Had my parents seen same-sex friendships as an inferior good, I doubt I’d have relationships with friends from every era of my parents’ lives, even as a college student.

Though marriage is the highest human relationship, we are all made for a rich network of relationships. 

Being in a relationship, whether brand-new or long-lasting, means you need same-sex friendships more than ever — and not just because there’s no guarantee you won’t break up with Mr. Perfect and find yourself alone. Friends play an essential role in any romantic relationship by calling out your blind spots, counseling you through hard seasons, and providing constant reality checks. Having deep and invested platonic friendships, particularly same-sex ones, puts you less at risk of idolizing your partner. They’re often able to gauge the quality of your partner with more objectivity than you’re capable of in the moment. 

If all your confidantes express concerns about your new partner, that’s a sign that you should listen to them — not cut them off. And if your most trusted friends constantly express their approval of your partner, that’s a sign your relationship is headed in the right direction.

Dating works best in community. And for that, you need to invest more, not less, in your same-sex friendships. 

That’ll take some effort, especially in the whirlwind first months of dating. Show or tell your closest friends that even though you’re in a new season, their time and input still matters to you. Don’t try to crowd-source a relationship, but make it clear to your most trusted friends that you welcome their input, good or bad, on your new partner.

And let your friends see that their value to you does not depend on your relationship status: your friendship was always about more than not feeling lonely without a romantic relationship.  

Learning to do this now sets you up for a healthier marriage and the kind of rich family life so many of us want. When both husband and wife have strong same-sex friendships, their union is stronger for it, and their children have more models of how to form friendships of their own. 

So keep Saturdays for the girls.

 

Caroline Kurt is a junior studying English.