My first mistake was requesting “The Sound of Music” for movie night at the monastery.

No, really — for those of you who don’t know already, I was in a monastery over fall break after I accidentally missed Swing Club. I’m thankful for my monastic stint, but I’ve since realized that I’d actually probably been called to the married estate all along.

I’ll admit, I was pretty sold on the monastery a few weeks ago, but everything changed with that film: it was then that I knew I had to return to Swing Club, painful as it may be.

You see, one thing I realized during my time of prayerful-and-tearful-discernment is that none of the men at Hillsdale actually, truly possess what the Philosopher (may he live forever) would call the Habit of Rizz. So I have returned to educate you all.

You see it every week: men coming to Swing Club and almost asking girls to dance, then just standing around and being too shy to make conversation. I would know — I, too, was once a frequent participant in the (mostly male) discussions about Calvinism that populate the fringes of Swing.

Men of Hillsdale, you need to know. That’s not Rizz.

I don’t care if you can literally sweep a lady off of her feet by doing aerials at Swing, and I’m not impressed if you know all eight points of Calvinism. Neither are the girls, by the way. You need to develop the Habit of Rizz by performing Rizzful actions, at a Rizzful time, in a Rizzful way, preferably with a Rizzful person. It’s what Aristotle would do.

But how does one instill in oneself the virtue of Rizz?

The first step is the hardest. If you want to show a lady that you like her, you need to make friends with her … friends. It’s fool-proof and won’t ever land you in trouble. Just make a point of talking to everyone except her if you wind up standing in the same group as her, and it’ll work like a dream.

After all, there’s no better way to hint to someone that you like them than totally ignoring them.

The second step in developing Rizz is to admire her beauty by definitely not staring weirdly at her during your shared 8 a.m. section of Intro to Psychology. Women totally dig inadvertent eye contact from across the room in the middle of insanely boring lectures — it gives them a bit of diversion to spice up the morning. Has she noticed your piercing brown eyes lately? Probably not enough. She should be left wondering, “Do I have something on my shirt? In my teeth? Does he see a ghost behind me?”

The third thing you need to practice habitually to develop Rizz is getting meals in the dining hall with the object of your affections, but only if no one else is around to see. If you got steps one and two right, this will be a cakewalk. Just ask her if you can sit with her at breakfast one day, then gradually become a regular at the Olds table. Can anyone say “swoon?”

This next step requires a little skill, but it will pair nicely with your developing habit of Rizz. You need to be able to play “Don’t Stop Believing” anytime, anywhere, on any piano. That’s right, gents — if you want to really and truly have Rizz, you’d better be practicing in the Howard Music Hall basement every spare moment you’ve got. Nothing’s more romantic for a gal than seeing her regular breakfast-mate and just-really-good-friend-in-the-Lord getting up from a Saga omelet to bang out a classic Journey tune in front of half of campus.

The last step — well, I really don’t have time to include it, unfortunately. You see, I have a really-good-friend-in-the-Lord named Hannah Grace whom I’ve been getting breakfast with lately, and I’ve got to… er, test my last tip before I lend it all to you.

Go in peace. Read Aristotle.

 

 

Joseph Oldsboy is a freshman. He hopes to graduate with a double-major in Ar-RIZZ-totelian Philosophy and  Piano Performance as well as a double-ex in Mac and Olds. 

This piece was edited by Zack Chen.