Sprinkles do not belong on ice cream. Courtesy | Wikimedia Commons

I glared at the colorful mystery in front of me: a frosted sugar cookie topped with red and white pellets. Confusion, aversion, and frustration grew within my 4-year-old self. I simply didn’t understand why these colorful specks were lying on my cookie. What were they? What purpose did they serve? Fourteen years later, and I still find myself asking the same question. 

For decades, sprinkles have been said to add texture and color to a variety of sweets, especially ice cream. A self-described ice cream connoisseur, I have tried for years to appreciate this popular dessert garnish. And yet, I find myself preferring just about every other topping instead. Why is it that this supposed favorite leaves me so uninspired? After months of contemplation, I’ve finally concluded that sprinkles detract from the ice cream experience.

Ice cream is good and enjoyable as it is. With its creamy texture and sweet flavors, it’s certain to please. But, as Aristotle would probably say, sprinkles are not sought for their own sake. They are not enjoyable on their own. Composed of sugar, corn syrup, and food dye, they contribute hardly any flavor. Rather, they introduce a waxy, crunchy texture to contrast with the texture of ice cream. The natural creaminess, which ice cream is meant to be enjoyed, is altered. It is no longer experienced in its fullness. Adding sprinkles to ice cream seeks to improve that which is already good. Sprinkles do not enhance, but rather take away from the goodness of ice cream. 

Now what about other ice cream toppings like cookie dough, chocolate sauce, nuts, and candies? I argue that these toppings are enjoyable alone. While sprinkles get incorporated into ice cream for the sake of changing its texture, other such toppings are large and flavorful enough to be enjoyed alongside ice cream without detracting from it. They do not improve ice cream, but are rather a distinct food item to be eaten together with ice cream. 

Very well, one might concede, perhaps sprinkles don’t contribute much in terms of flavor or texture, but they are pleasing to look at. Sprinkles may be pretty, but their ingredients aren’t. Artificial food coloring has been continually suspected for decades to possibly cause health issues, including hyperactivity and even cancer. And if that isn’t concerning enough, shellac, the coating often used on sprinkles, is an insect secretion commonly used in wood finish and primers. Not very appetizing after all.  

Sprinkles don’t have much to offer. Lacking in flavor, texture, and containing questionable ingredients, they are only taking away from the true beauty of ice cream. I would argue that sprinkles, besides lactose intolerance, are the biggest threat to ice cream that this nation has witnessed. I propose that we, pretty please with a cherry on top, explore the countless, flavorful alternatives that lie before us instead.