Every few months, celebrities line themselves up along a velour carpet, dressed in clothes someone helped them put on, unhinging their plastic jaws to scream, “Judge me!” and hoping to be pat on the back by people with egos bigger than their own.
In the hierarchy of award show fashion, the VMAs lie low in their scandalous, yet unimpressive history. Fashion is an art form often beautifully and thoughtfully displayed on red carpets. Designers partner with artists to bring a creative vision to life and honor the beauty of the clothes, highlighted by the beauty of the model.
But the VMAs aren’t one of those events. So, judge them we shall.
As a general red-carpet rule, men tend to be unbearably dull and play it safe. DJ Khaled is intimate with this banality – he wore a matching gray set identical to an actual work jumpsuit and familiar green shoes. I think my Midwestern teenage brother owns the same pair. The most exciting part about his look was the pair of pink, translucent Paris-Hilton-esque sunglasses that I’m now in the market for myself. There’s something odd about a millionaire wearing an ordinary American’s work clothes on a red carpet like it’s a costume.
In stark contrast, the Red Hot Chili Peppers arrived looking beautifully mismatched and covered in obnoxious patterns. They perfected the look, while Dylan O’Brien just barely missed the target. Despite his quirky flower and diamond-patterned suit, O’Brien still strolled around looking eerily like a sleazy uncle, low-necked black tank decorated with a golden chain and all.
Amid political discussion of women’s rights, I’d like to propose the right of women to stop wearing absurd cutouts to events. It’s hard not to wonder who told Sabrina Carpenter, “Yes. The sides of your torso are so in right now.”
To the other extreme, Chloe Fineman wore a silver chrome sleeping bag decorated with an orange lining. After closer examination and serious study, assuming I must have been mistaken about the nature of the outfit, I concluded that it was not just a sleeping bag. She also had a tiny carrot hanging from her pinky nail.
In advance of the awards ceremony, Dove Cameron sent a mass memo flagged as “URGENT” to everyone who would be attending, working, or watching the show. She wanted to confirm what her outfit already displayed: that she is, in fact, not like the other girls. Dressed in a colorful dress reminiscent of a grandmother’s carpet, a leather belt wrapped around her neck, Cameron emulated the essence of a sharp-jawed Tim Burton character. Little trace of her history as a Disney starlet remained, from her jet-black pigtails to the spikes dotting her nails.
For the Catholics on campus, the awards show brought some great news. Sofia Carson looks like she might be joining Shia LeBeouf in conversion to the Roman Catholic Church. Specifically, she seems to be joining a particularly fashionable religious order with an inclination toward sweetheart necklines and ominously heavy black veils. The sisters will be in attendance at the first silent retreat this fall.
After taking home the award for Video of the Year, Taylor Swift arguably also won best-dressed of the night. Draped in silver jewels, the singer kept her hair simple and came the closest to giving viewers something genuinely beautiful. For the record, though, my mother would have told her to put something on underneath.