Courtesy | Nathan Stanish
What do a MAGA hat, a Soviet fur cap, an autographed Andrew Cuomo poster, and a Ben Shapiro mug have in common? You might say bad taste, incomprehensible political opinions, or insufferable nerdiness. And you might be right, because those are just a sample of my roommate’s bizarre dorm room decor.
Bizarre decor, however, is only the surface of Fantastic Mr. Jacob Fox. Over the course of our five months rooming together, I have learned many other interesting things about the man on the bottom bunk.
You know those people who take every opportunity in their decorations or wardrobe to advertise how wealthy they are? Switch out “wealth” for “in love with Star Wars,” and you have an accurate description of Jacob.
An average Star Wars fan might buy a little merchandise for display, such as a lightsaber or a poster. Jacob brought a fancy light-up lightsaber, over 200 LEGO Star Wars minifigures, and even a life-size Mandalorian helmet.
I used to think the Mandalorian helmet was for display, but then I found out that it could also protect my roommate from his inexplicable allergy to half of the natural world. Grass, nuts, pollen, and even many air fresheners reduce Jacob to a state of sniffles and sneezes. Most concerning, however, is Jacob’s apparent allergy to Hillsdale women.
Now, don’t misunderstand me: Jacob has a serious girlfriend he has been dating for close to three years, and he has no particular aversion to women…in theory. He just feels absolutely no obligation to remember the names of any women on campus and, as a result, has very little interest in the honorable male tradition of attempting to decipher the world of women.
However, at the end of the day, despite his nerdy quirks, it’s pretty easy to see why Jacob and I were paired up as roommates: our pants size. Somehow, without asking any questions about the respective dimensions of our wardrobe, the deans brought together two guys with the exact same pants size, shirt size, neck size, jacket size, and nearly the same shoe size. Perfect for sharing.
As the old saying goes, “roommates who share clothes together stay together.” If that’s true, my roommate can thank his lucky stars that we do share clothes because otherwise I might have dumped him after the first semester due to another allergy he has: waking up.
Hardly anyone enjoys waking up. There are few things as dangerous to college success as a warm, comfortable pillow in the morning. That’s why most people use a simple alarm to avoid staying in bed for too long. At least, that’s what normal people do.
If you’re my roommate, you have to use your own methods: an alarm louder than the average fire alarm, a vibrating device clearly designed to mimic the power of an earthquake, and a secondary alarm across the room with sounds too chipper for a weekday morning. It no longer matters who wants to get up at which time. We wake up when Jacob wakes up.
Grievances aside, I lucked out in the roommate department. He may be allergic to everything from grass to women and need a mild earthquake in the morning to get out of bed, but we still get to share pants. In the end, it all evens out.