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Apart from misrepresenting medieval courtly love, mangling Regency correspondence practice, and entirely misconstruing female agency in formally initiating romance throughout the history of Western civilization, Blake Schaper’s Sept. 17 opinion article (“Ladies, be traditional. Ask a guy out.”) doesn’t completely miss the mark.
Specifically, Schaper correctly ascertains that “it’s OK for women to initiate relationships” and that “dating app culture” tends to dehumanize both men and women. But the rest of his article gives flawed advice to both would-be wooers and wooed: I’m tempted to hope it was satire. Even worse, he gets courtly love in the “Medieval Ages” dreadfully wrong.
First, let’s get the history straight. While it did signal a lady’s reciprocation, the act of granting a knight a favor never initiated romance. It was a reward for long devotion, an honor which confirmed the knight in his passionate service. That is to say, a lady’s kerchief recognized past valor and spurred further feats. This step occurred in the middle of a romantic saga, not at its inception. In no sense was it equivalent to a college girl making the first move by asking her crush out. Moreover, literature dramatized the ideal of courtly love represented by favor-giving. It was neither a description of daily life in the Middle Ages nor a prescription for today’s dating culture.
As long as we’re on the topic of historical accuracy, I should note that, according to Assistant Professor of English Leta Sundet, exchanges of letters between unmarried and unrelated men and women in the Regency Era were typically reserved for engaged couples. No Regency woman (or man) would have attempted to “catch the attention” of a potential partner via post.
Second, let’s discuss dating in the modern world. As a man, I make no pretense of speaking for women’s feelings on being told they ought to ask men out. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the practice — women initiate relationships all the time. But Schaper’s exhortation for men to “be comfortable with women asking them out” only discourages initiative, smacks of wishful thinking, and moves stress and responsibility from the man’s plate to the woman’s.
Asking a woman out is awkward, as it always leaves one open to being rejected. That’s exactly why men shouldn’t sit back and wait for romance to sweep them off the couch: Willingly becoming vulnerable shows consideration and respect for a woman and her feelings. Though it stings, rejection isn’t necessarily bad — it often molds a man’s character for the better. Neither does rejection after a first date indicate malice on the woman’s part. Schaper writes that “a woman who asks someone out is courageous, direct with her wants, and transparent.” But the same is true of a woman who says “No, thanks” to unwanted wooing: No one ever said a first date entailed a second.
The medieval knight only won his lady’s favor by long suffering, hard trials, and lovesick yearning. I’m sure one of today’s “more shy and introverted men” can stand up straight, look a woman in the eye, and ask for her number.
Dating, love, and romance are a tango for two. But, as every swing club regular knows, it’s frustrating to dance with a guy who leads poorly. Gents, if you’re looking to date, don’t shy away from risk and vulnerability. Instead, pursue virtue and cultivate excellence like any good knight, and don’t be afraid to serve a lady by asking her out. Whether she grants you her favor or not, the endeavor is noble.
Zachary Chen is a senior studying Greek and Latin.
