This week, the Final Four bring Peter home to meet their families — what parents wouldn’t love to meet the man whose claim to fame is breaking 30 hearts?
To kick off hometowns, Peter visits Hannah Ann in Tennessee. Hannah’s tough as nail’s dad, Rick, works in the lumber industry and has high standards for his daughter’s future husband. Peter tries desperately to prove his worthiness with an axe throwing contest.
After a sad showing of physical strength, Peter makes the target on the 10th try.
Impressive.
In a shocking turn of events, Rick isn’t exactly won over yet. Rick is excited to have Hannah home, but “of course she brought Peter with her, which is [deep breath] new and exciting, I guess.” Very exciting.
Peter reassures him by saying he’s “thinking about telling Hannah I’m falling in love with her.”
Note the absence of certainty in that statement. I’m sure Rick felt right at ease.
Peter confesses his… affection… and tells Hannah he is “thinking about falling in love” with her.
I’m swooning.
Peter leaves an overjoyed Hannah to pay a visit to his next girlfriend’s family.
We meet Kelsey in Iowa and our day starts out strong — with alcohol. Did we expect anything less from Kelsey?
It appears Kelsey isn’t doing much to curb her alcoholic tendencies, especially when she brings Peter to a winery. They make their own special bottle and name it “Wine.”
Simple. Eloquent. Creative. I like it.
Peter meets Kelsey’s family and many toasts are said for the happy couple. I see where Kelsey gets it from.
Kelsey tells Peter she’s in love with him — but he seems disinterested. Either the wine wore off or he’s just not here for it.
Next, we travel to Alabama to meet Madison at her alma-mater, Auburn University.
Madison’s father is a basketball coach at the school and she was an athlete herself. Naturally, she’s excited to introduce Peter to her athletic world, but Peter isn’t your typical sporty bachelor.
So, when Charles Barkley, a retired NBA player and host of ‘Inside the NBA,’ greets the couple, things get awkward. If you don’t at least recognize Barkley’s name, you’ve either been living under a rock or reading too much Aristotle.
In Peter’s case it must be the former (I doubt he ponders the good), because he seems confused at first. Once Madison identifies Barkley, Peter’s thrilled, but the momentary lapse in recognition is embarrassing enough.
The pair join together for basketball drills with head coach at Auburn, Bruce Pearl and suffice to say, Peter is comically awful.
Madison absolutely wrecks him in one-on-one, which (I guess) is an attractive quality in a potential husband?
We meet Madison’s family and her parents are concerned about the couple’s values moving forward. Madison hasn’t told Peter that she’s waiting until marriage… and barring details, we are well aware that Peter’s past hasn’t exactly been, well, chaste.
Fantasy suites should be fun next week.
Last, but certainly not least, Peter meets Victoria F. in Virginia Beach. The only good part of the date is when Victoria brings her dog to meet Peter.
Coincidentally, Peter runs into an ex on the beach who says he deserves better than “what he’s on a date with right now.” Considering that Peter deserves very, very little, that’s an audacious statement.
He investigates further, only to find that Victoria has a reputation for breaking up relationships. Based on her drama-free demeanor, I never saw that one coming.
When Peter confronts Victoria, she runs away. Peter leaves without meeting her family and we head into a rose ceremony.
Let’s get this straight — Peter is falling in love with three out of four women, met three families, and can see three strong futures. Peter isn’t in love with one girl, didn’t meet one family, and knows there is no future with said girl.
But akin to Bachelor style, Peter gives that one girl a rose, and sends Kelsey home.
I don’t know if Peter’s goal in life is to drive me clinically insane, but he’s succeeding.
In preparation for next week, I encourage you all to raise a glass for poor Kelsey (she sure will), and get ready for Victoria’s next tirade.
