After months of having to endure a woman getting ample stage time, the United States is finally back where it belongs: in the massive and “bigly” capable hands of Donald J. Trump. Our new president—nay—our new savior has come to our nation in a time of need glowing with 1000 promises and 1000 dying hair plugs. We have done it, brothers and sisters, we have #MadeAmericaGreatAgain.
Before last Thursday it had been 108 years since the Cubs won the World Series, and before Tuesday it had been 240 years since our country had come into existence… as the past week has proven all streaks must end sometime. I have no doubt in my mind that the Donald is ready to really make this country great again, even if he has to end it like a first marriage in order to do so.
After years of a mediocre America we have finally done it: we have changed this country for the better. Under the Trump regime—erm…—presidency, we are finally reverting to the way things were during the founding: fake powdered wigs are in, rights for minorities out, and women are back in the home. As a woman though, I can say that this is a relief. I would much rather have my parents spot me a small million dollar loan to get my life started or simply sell me off to a worthy man. My father has often said that if he were 20 years younger and not my father that I would be quite the catch so I know that any man who can afford an Armani suit but not a natural bronzer would be the right balance of humble and successful for me. Being an equal member of society is exhausting and quite frankly I think female Americans miss simpler and less stressful times.
This election too will be great for our international image. Mr. Trump has perfected the decorum and social media presence of any great leader. The world looks to us in wild admiration as we close our borders and build our walls, showing that we—as Americans—fear nothing but fear itself and anyone who is not as white as the house in which our fearless leader lives. After years of immigration–a plague on our country since 1492 when the first “Bad Hombres,” as Trump would call them, migrated from Spain–we are finally #MakingAmericaMeanerAgain and I could not be happier.
Our president, as dry and ocher as the amber waves of grain themselves, is nothing if not totally professional, is garbage if not completely polished, is an idiot if not utterly a genius. Trump’s presence demonstrates all of this, emulating a natural disaster in his sheer physical power and implied strength. As we welcome him with open arms and closed minds, we can rejoice in the half life glow of his social media presence. Trump has mastered Twitter with the swag of an eighth grader and the insults of said eighth grader’s younger counterpart. It is truly a blessing to have a president who is young and hip in his PR choices and taste in women. Our poised and polite prez is perfect for demanding the respect he so deserves, which is why I’m so glad we #MadeAmericaRespectableAgain.
Looking forward to the next four years of this presidency, I am humbled by how great this nation is and how much greater it is about to become. How inspiring that no matter what you say, no matter how few taxes you pay, no matter how little money you donate to charity, and even if you only begin adult life with a minute million dollar loan, you can become president. Literally anyone can become president. Anyone.
Ms. Cain is a junior studying speech.
