[Editor’s note: we can neither confirm nor deny the veracityof this article]
Rubble, flames, and carnage alone remain of Washington after Tuesday’s government shutdown.
It began after negotiations to simulate budgeting between Republican House Speaker John Boehner, Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and President Obama failed.
“These Republicans are intransigent and stubborn, so obviously we can’t negotiate with them,” said Reid. “These people are hopeless.”
But Boehner said Reid was to blame.
“The American people have told us to repeal Obamacare, because they know true change comes from a handful of politicians in Washington, and not from a nationwide grassroots movement,” Boehner said. “Seriously, who believes that?”
President Obama, out on the links, declined to comment.
Gridlocked, Congress let the government shut down after midnight on Tuesday, with disastrous consequences for the nation’s capital. Fall tourists who neglected the summer season, unable to view Washington attractions, were the first to riot.
After the Smithsonian closed, a small mob ran toward Congressional offices, but was stymied at the doors. It nonetheless congregated outside, swelling hourly until filling the streets, demanding that attractions reopen.
“No government, no rules,” said Tom Baker of Florida, who became the mob’s leader by viciously slaying his predecessor and brandishing his head on a pike. “The only rule is by the crowd, and this crowd wants the Smithsonian open!”
Shortly after the riots began, thousands of government employees, deemed ‘nonessential’ and thus idled from work, joined in. Among them was Department of Education administrative employee Agnes Johnston.
“Usually, I come to work and sit at my desk and do nothing,” Johnston said. “But because of the shutdown, I can’t even come to work and sit at my desk.”
The mob then went to the National Mall, attacking buildings en route.
Though larger, the mob did not attempt to reenter House and Senate office buildings, but instead looted restaurants and other private local businesses. Authorities seeking to restore order say it may never truly return.
Outside Washington, however, the shutdown has had a decidedly different impact.
“The government shut down? Oh, that sounds bad,” said Jim Smith of Ohio. “Does that mean all those people in Congress are fired?” Smith asked, perking up. But his brief cheer disappeared when he learned that no congressional representative lost his job.
“If they’re supposed to remove ‘non-essential personnel,’ why are those people still in office?”
