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Our social betters blessed us humble coun­tryfolk with their presence on the steps of the Met­ro­politan Museum of Art in New York City last week, dressed to feed their egos and par­tic­ipate in the greatest FOMO-inducing event in fashion: the Met Gala. 

The theme was “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion,” and frankly, Anna Wintour, Vogue editor-in-chief and a chair­woman of the Met Gala since 1995, robbed Hillsdale’s home­coming theme right out from under us. For­tu­nately for our pride, most of the ultra-famous stars who walked the carpet didn’t seem to have received notice of the gala theme.

The men who wore their staple black suits were par­tic­u­larly dis­ap­pointing. Canadian actor Dan Levy wore what seemed to be a pastel para­chute modeled after a children’s inflatable globe, doused in sparkly zebra print and turned into some­thing like a shirt. There were floral bou­ton­nieres on his spiky gold and black boots, and he held a pencil case. Take notes, men. Levy’s outfit might not have made sense — it might not have even looked good — but wow, was it enter­tain­ingly confusing.

Singer-song­writer Billie Eilish arrived in a ginormous cream-colored ball gown inspired by old Hol­lywood. Beau­tiful and on theme, she drifted up the steps in the image of Marilyn Monroe.

 Kendall Jenner emu­lated Audrey Hepburn in a dress inspired by her look in “My Fair Lady.” The dress was stunning. A slip under­neath it, however, would have been a great addition. But after all, what is modern empow­erment of women if it doesn’t also double as a new way of objec­ti­fying women? 

In the end, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez won the evening. The con­gress­woman wore a lovely, white, couture, off-the-shoulder gown by designer Brother Vellies and brought a purse that cost more than $1,000 to sit at a table that designers spent at least $200,000 filling. “IRONY” was spelled out across her dress in bright red letters.

Wait, no, I’m sorry. Her dress said “TAX THE RICH.”

Ocasio-Cortez didn’t pay for her dress, the purse, or a seat. She just attended a gala catered to the wealthy and out-of-touch, wearing Brother Vellies designer shoes that, at about $615, cost more than an average American family spends on food in a month, according to the U.S. Department of Agri­culture. It seems that she’s crit­i­cizing a group of people she’s rubbing elbows with, nib­bling on pickled turnips —  yes, they actually ate pickled turnips for dinner — and wearing out­landishly expensive outfits. I can’t help but con­clude that she might actually be one of “the rich.” 

What do I know? Here I am, making judge­ments about people I’ve never met who wear clothes I’ll never be able to afford. 

But it’s kind of like passing a designer car wreck. I just can’t look away.