Disclaimer: not affiliated with any organizations or individuals on campus. Please don’t be offended, as this is meant to be purley satiric.
It’s safe to say that very few of you reading this actually believe in astrology. Why would you, it’s so obviously a hoax…right?
Wrong! For years the stars have meant something, but their messages have been misinterpreted by so called experts. Now, after an intensive study of local celestial beings, we’ve amassed a solid chance at interpreting these signs correctly. The following is a revised list of traditional star signs accompanied by their new traits and latest predictions.
Ariestotle (March 21-April 19)
As an Ariestotle, you are fearless in word and deed. This bold attitude is powerful, and allows for you to make lasting impressions. With this in mind, probably best not to voice your opinions about the grading system in your Spanish class directly to the professor. The stars are in strong desfavorecido to this choice.
DeltaTaurus (April 20-May 20)
Alright DeltaTauri, it’s time to shift into sixth gear. People have been questioning you and your authority, and you’re ready to put a stop to it. A total dweeb interrupts your point in class? Scream. Someone cuts in your Saga line? Start a food fight. Use your dominant arm to throw caution to the wind!
GeminSigChi (May 21-June 20)
Okay GeminSigChi’s, you know what you need to do and you’ve known for a while. It’s time to switch that major. I know you think you’re bad at math, but the stars say otherwise. Who needs to comprehend basic arithmetic when you have the star’s endorsement. You’ll find your way, just send it!
Covid (Jun 21-July 22)
Hey, this astrologer just wants you to know that it’s okay to say “no.” A teacher assigns a paper worth 50% of your grade? No. Someone asks you to describe “the good?” No. Take some time this week for you and your mental health, the rest of the world can wait.
AT(Le)O (July 23-August 22)
This week is a good week to talk about the future (you are at Hillsdale after all). Open up to your significant other about what you’re looking for in your relationship, whether it be casual hillsdating or even the exciting marriage by junior year. And who knows, if all goes well, you can maybe even spawn a new hillsdale kiddo and pick up one of those cute bookstore onesies.
Virgoodel (August 23-September 22)
This is a good time to start expressing yourself through the written word. Whether it’s on a sticky note, on the Hillsdale rideboard, or in a particularly intense haiku, get those words out of your head and onto paper! I would, however, ignore all academic writings weighing on your schedule. Who needs the stress of a midterm paper, am I right? Purely creative juices flowing from here-on-out!
Libratarian (September 23-October 22)
Valentine’s day didn’t work out so well, huh? Don’t worry, that was just a single day. This week is the time to throw yourself onto the tracks in front of the locomotive of love. Perhaps keep an eye on that cute someone in your American Heritage class. The stars declare it, though they take no responsibility for any collateral damage. If it doesn’t work out, wrong metaphorical locomotive, try again next week.
DScorPio (October 23-November 21)
Well DScorPio, this is your week. Go buy that hamster you’ve been eyeing. The stars approve, don’t worry about what your house mom says. If she does fight back, just pick up some mice on that PetSmart run, and let them loose in your dorm. The distraction will take some heat off of you and your new pal, Bucky. On another note, don’t forget to put time and energy toward fostering your human relationships.
Sagatarious (November 22-December 21)
Sags. You, of all people, feel a deep connection between body, mind, and Saga. You should open your neural pathways and allow for the nutrients to flow throughout your astral being. This powerful energy will guide you in these impending days. Let your passions sizzle, not simmer. Have a great day, and don’t forget to smile.
Kappacorn (December 22- January 19):
Disclaimer: writing as a Kappacorn myself, I will be trying my best to ignore all personal biases about the sign.
Kappacorns are the best sign. If anyone is thinking about being friends, maybe even significant others, with a Kappacorn, this astrologer says go for it. It’s in the stars, what can I say. As a Kappacorn, you are hard-working and determined. Maybe this is the week you finally decide to start that fast food review podcast, or form the shuffleboard club you’ve always wanted.
Macquarious (January 20-February 18)
Let me be the first to deliver my sincerest apologies regarding your beloved golden-doodle, Kevin. It happens to all of us willing to open our hearts to a fuzzy friend. Don’t let this loss impact your upcoming midterms. Remember: big girls don’t cry.
PiPhices (February 19-March 20)
Your body is a temple, and your brain is the temple’s high priestess. Your heart is the tabernacle, and your kidneys are made of gold. Don’t listen to the external voices, listen to those inside ones, no matter how many there are. Use your own powers as a compass to dominate all aspects of your worldly life.