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Dis­claimer: not affil­iated with any orga­ni­za­tions or indi­viduals on campus. Please don’t be offended, as this is meant to be purley satiric. 

It’s safe to say that very few of you reading this actually believe in astrology. Why would you, it’s so obvi­ously a hoax…right? 

Wrong! For years the stars have meant some­thing, but their mes­sages have been mis­in­ter­preted by so called experts. Now, after an intensive study of local celestial beings, we’ve amassed a solid chance at inter­preting these signs cor­rectly. The fol­lowing is a revised list of tra­di­tional star signs accom­panied by their new traits and latest predictions.

Ariestotle (March 21-April 19)

As an Ariestotle, you are fearless in word and deed. This bold attitude is pow­erful, and allows for you to make lasting impres­sions. With this in mind, probably best not to voice your opinions about the grading system in your Spanish class directly to the pro­fessor. The stars are in strong des­fa­vorecido to this choice. 

DeltaTaurus (April 20-May 20)

Alright DeltaTauri, it’s time to shift into sixth gear. People have been ques­tioning you and your authority, and you’re ready to put a stop to it. A total dweeb inter­rupts your point in class? Scream. Someone cuts in your Saga line? Start a food fight. Use your dom­inant arm to throw caution to the wind!

GeminSigChi (May 21-June 20)

Okay GeminSigChi’s, you know what you need to do and you’ve known for a while. It’s time to switch that major. I know you think you’re bad at math, but the stars say oth­erwise. Who needs to com­prehend basic arith­metic when you have the star’s endorsement. You’ll find your way, just send it!

Covid (Jun 21-July 22)

Hey, this astrologer just wants you to know that it’s okay to say “no.” A teacher assigns a paper worth 50% of your grade? No. Someone asks you to describe “the good?” No. Take some time this week for you and your mental health, the rest of the world can wait. 

AT(Le)O (July 23-August 22)

This week is a good week to talk about the future (you are at Hillsdale after all). Open up to your sig­nif­icant other about what you’re looking for in your rela­tionship, whether it be casual hills­dating or even the exciting mar­riage by junior year. And who knows, if all goes well, you can maybe even spawn a new hillsdale kiddo and pick up one of those cute book­store onesies. 

Vir­goodel (August 23-Sep­tember 22)

This is a good time to start expressing yourself through the written word. Whether it’s on a sticky note, on the Hillsdale ride­board, or in a par­tic­u­larly intense haiku, get those words out of your head and onto paper! I would, however, ignore all aca­demic writings weighing on your schedule. Who needs the stress of a midterm paper, am I right? Purely cre­ative juices flowing from here-on-out!

Libratarian (Sep­tember 23-October 22)

Valen­tine’s day didn’t work out so well, huh? Don’t worry, that was just a single day. This week is the time to throw yourself onto the tracks in front of the loco­motive of love. Perhaps keep an eye on that cute someone in your American Her­itage class. The stars declare it, though they take no respon­si­bility for any col­lateral damage. If it doesn’t work out, wrong metaphorical loco­motive, try again next week. 

DScorPio (October 23-November 21)

Well DScorPio, this is your week. Go buy that hamster you’ve been eyeing. The stars approve, don’t worry about what your house mom says. If she does fight back, just pick up some mice on that PetSmart run, and let them loose in your dorm. The dis­traction will take some heat off of you and your new pal, Bucky. On another note, don’t forget to put time and energy toward fos­tering your human relationships. 

Sagatarious (November 22-December 21)

Sags. You, of all people, feel a deep con­nection between body, mind, and Saga. You should open your neural pathways and allow for the nutrients to flow throughout your astral being. This pow­erful energy will guide you in these impending days. Let your pas­sions sizzle, not simmer. Have a great day, and don’t forget to smile. 

Kap­pacorn (December 22- January 19):

Dis­claimer: writing as a Kap­pacorn myself, I will be trying my best to ignore all per­sonal biases about the sign.  

Kap­pa­corns are the best sign. If anyone is thinking about being friends, maybe even sig­nif­icant others, with a Kap­pacorn, this astrologer says go for it. It’s in the stars, what can I say. As a Kap­pacorn, you are hard-working and deter­mined. Maybe this is the week you finally decide to start that fast food review podcast, or form the shuf­fle­board club you’ve always wanted. 

Mac­quarious (January 20-Feb­ruary 18)

Let me be the first to deliver my sin­cerest apologies regarding your beloved golden-doodle, Kevin. It happens to all of us willing to open our hearts to a fuzzy friend. Don’t let this loss impact your upcoming midterms. Remember: big girls don’t cry. 

PiPhices (Feb­ruary 19-March 20)

Your body is a temple, and your brain is the temple’s high priestess. Your heart is the taber­nacle, and your kidneys are made of gold. Don’t listen to the external voices, listen to those inside ones, no matter how many there are. Use your own powers as a compass to dom­inate all aspects of your worldly life.