SHARE

Let’s face it gang, dating is hard, espe­cially at Hillsdale, where people treat a first date with the same level of com­mitment as a twenty year fixed mortgage. People feel the need to run a level-three back­ground check before even con­sid­ering a 30-minute coffee date. You know so much about the person before you go on the date with them there isn’t any­thing left to talk about — no latent excitement at the prospect of getting to know someone new. We’ve got to fix this. So here are some Hillsdale-friendly tips to help you land a REAL first date. 

Part 1: Locating females

Since females make up 49.6% of the global pop­u­lation, this seems simple enough. When lim­iting your search to the Hillsdale student body, there are a few tricks of the trade that can be used to help you identify a fresh Hillsdale honey. 

If at all pos­sible, try to find a girl with a bib­lical name, such as Mary, Hannah, Abigail, or Orpah. You should also limit your search area to a select few events which Hillsdale history sug­gests are guar­anteed to produce results. These include: any Student Activ­ities Board event, Swing Dance, SOMA, Waterman Tea, and Olds Move-In Day. 

It is a well-doc­u­mented fact that girls don’t attend these events because they actually want to take part in them, but because they want to be hit on by random guys. Some of you may ask, “Nick, how will I know if a girl I meet at one of these events likes me?” To which I would respond that if she: a) acknowl­edges your exis­tence or b) smiles somewhat in your general direction, it’s basi­cally a home-run. 

Part 2: Opening a dia­logue with females

Once you’ve chosen your Hillsdale babe it’s time to let her know how you really feel. But how do mature, well-func­tioning people convey such feelings? I rec­ommend sending her YouTube links to songs with no addi­tional context. Songs such as “You Belong with Me,” “Every Breath You Take,” and “Hungry Like the Wolf” are all safe bets. If she’s the right girl, she’ll intu­itively pick up what you’re putting down.

If lyrics aren’t your style, there are alter­na­tives to this tactic. One wildly-dan­gerous school of thought sug­gests directly talking with the girl you are inter­ested in. This, of course, requires that you convey your feelings with words, a radical departure from the tried-and-true “silently-pining” method. If you are set on having a con­ver­sation with the chick, you’re advised to prepare your lines and con­ver­sation topics well in advance. The goal of these pickup lines is to dupe unsus­pecting females into believing you are far cleverer than you are through a care­fully chore­o­graphed first impression. 

Here is one example which I swear is safe and effective: 

“Is your name Ariel? Because we were mermaid for each other.” 

If she’s not ini­tially receptive, just repeat the line more slowly. It probably just went over her head the first time. 

Part 3: Coping with rejection from females

If you fol­lowed these steps and actually asked a girl out, con­grat­u­la­tions! You’ve made it farther than 74.63% of all rela­tion­ships at Hillsdale College. If the girl you asked out says yes, then double con­grat­u­la­tions — you’ve beaten the odds and are well on your way to the exciting adventure known as the first date. 

Of course, this is not always the case. Every day, thou­sands of men face the pain of rejection, whether from a date, a job interview, or a trans­planted organ. 

This rejection may take many forms, and believe me, I’ve heard them all: “I like you only as a friend,” “I wasn’t flirting I just needed a pencil,” and “I’m getting a restraining order.”

It is no secret that most everyone at Hillsdale is excited, or at least intrigued, by the prospect of finding true romance, so it seems para­doxical that the dating scene is mired in inaction and timidity. This is simply explained by the fact that many people at Hillsdale aren’t looking for boyfriends, they’re looking for hus­bands. The act of dating at Hillsdale is akin to reserving a table at a restaurant. You already know you are going to eat there, but you’re using the reser­vation to hold your table until it’s time to show up. 

In the same way that a solitary water cup marks your seat in the dining hall, many people at Hillsdale view dating as a sort of wife-reser­vation until you graduate or are oth­erwise ready to get married. Instead of dating being an adventure of dis­covery, it’s closer to holding that black puck at LongHorn Steak­house, waiting for it to blink, letting you know your table is ready. 

 

Nick Treglia is a sophomore studying history and applied math­e­matics. He is a single man — but coaches don’t play.