Let’s face it gang, dating is hard, especially at Hillsdale, where people treat a first date with the same level of commitment as a twenty year fixed mortgage. People feel the need to run a level-three background check before even considering a 30-minute coffee date. You know so much about the person before you go on the date with them there isn’t anything left to talk about — no latent excitement at the prospect of getting to know someone new. We’ve got to fix this. So here are some Hillsdale-friendly tips to help you land a REAL first date.
Part 1: Locating females
Since females make up 49.6% of the global population, this seems simple enough. When limiting your search to the Hillsdale student body, there are a few tricks of the trade that can be used to help you identify a fresh Hillsdale honey.
If at all possible, try to find a girl with a biblical name, such as Mary, Hannah, Abigail, or Orpah. You should also limit your search area to a select few events which Hillsdale history suggests are guaranteed to produce results. These include: any Student Activities Board event, Swing Dance, SOMA, Waterman Tea, and Olds Move-In Day.
It is a well-documented fact that girls don’t attend these events because they actually want to take part in them, but because they want to be hit on by random guys. Some of you may ask, “Nick, how will I know if a girl I meet at one of these events likes me?” To which I would respond that if she: a) acknowledges your existence or b) smiles somewhat in your general direction, it’s basically a home-run.
Part 2: Opening a dialogue with females
Once you’ve chosen your Hillsdale babe it’s time to let her know how you really feel. But how do mature, well-functioning people convey such feelings? I recommend sending her YouTube links to songs with no additional context. Songs such as “You Belong with Me,” “Every Breath You Take,” and “Hungry Like the Wolf” are all safe bets. If she’s the right girl, she’ll intuitively pick up what you’re putting down.
If lyrics aren’t your style, there are alternatives to this tactic. One wildly-dangerous school of thought suggests directly talking with the girl you are interested in. This, of course, requires that you convey your feelings with words, a radical departure from the tried-and-true “silently-pining” method. If you are set on having a conversation with the chick, you’re advised to prepare your lines and conversation topics well in advance. The goal of these pickup lines is to dupe unsuspecting females into believing you are far cleverer than you are through a carefully choreographed first impression.
Here is one example which I swear is safe and effective:
“Is your name Ariel? Because we were mermaid for each other.”
If she’s not initially receptive, just repeat the line more slowly. It probably just went over her head the first time.
Part 3: Coping with rejection from females
If you followed these steps and actually asked a girl out, congratulations! You’ve made it farther than 74.63% of all relationships at Hillsdale College. If the girl you asked out says yes, then double congratulations — you’ve beaten the odds and are well on your way to the exciting adventure known as the first date.
Of course, this is not always the case. Every day, thousands of men face the pain of rejection, whether from a date, a job interview, or a transplanted organ.
This rejection may take many forms, and believe me, I’ve heard them all: “I like you only as a friend,” “I wasn’t flirting I just needed a pencil,” and “I’m getting a restraining order.”
It is no secret that most everyone at Hillsdale is excited, or at least intrigued, by the prospect of finding true romance, so it seems paradoxical that the dating scene is mired in inaction and timidity. This is simply explained by the fact that many people at Hillsdale aren’t looking for boyfriends, they’re looking for husbands. The act of dating at Hillsdale is akin to reserving a table at a restaurant. You already know you are going to eat there, but you’re using the reservation to hold your table until it’s time to show up.
In the same way that a solitary water cup marks your seat in the dining hall, many people at Hillsdale view dating as a sort of wife-reservation until you graduate or are otherwise ready to get married. Instead of dating being an adventure of discovery, it’s closer to holding that black puck at LongHorn Steakhouse, waiting for it to blink, letting you know your table is ready.
Nick Treglia is a sophomore studying history and applied mathematics. He is a single man — but coaches don’t play.