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A college dorm room. | Pixabay

Is your roommate secretly plotting to kill you?

This is admit­tedly a dif­ficult question to answer. Most of us would reflex­ively respond with some­thing like: “I’m a great person! Everyone loves me! Why would my roommate want to kill me?” Unfor­tu­nately, it’s a sen­timent as naive as it is humble. I mean, people get mur­dered every day. Somebody’s gotta be wrong. 

According to the FBI, 54.3% of murder victims were sent to The Great Big Boarding House in the Here­after by an aquain­tance, whether that be a neighbor, Jehovah’s Witness, cookie-ped­dling Girl Scout, or…roommate.

It’s a sad fact of life that room­mates often miss the subtle clues which hint at an impending rage. Take, for instance, the phrase: “If you don’t stop snoring when you sleep, I am lit­erally going to kill you.” While often mis­taken for the witty repartee expected from a roommate, any serious analysis of the pre­vious statement reveals a sur­pris­ingly mur­derous undertone.

One sure-fire way to awaken the homi­cidal maniac in your roommate is to insist on having dif­fering schedules. I’m sorry to say this, but Health Nuts make the top of the hit list. Waking up for your morning run when it’s darker than my future isn’t exactly the problem here (you just have to be a little insane). The issue is you blun­dering through the room, ran­sacking drawers like a screwy chimp with a search warrant. 

Let’s not forget neglecting to pair your airpods before playing music. Nobody wants to hear Justin Bieber’s “Baby” at 5:30 a.m. (Hon­estly, I can’t think of a time when anyone would want to hear it). 

Health Nuts spend their lives running away from an early death — in some cases, lit­erally — avoiding genet­i­cally-altered teenage mutant corn products and getting a literal high from long-dis­tance trots. But what they don’t realize is the greatest threat to their longevity is closer than they think, lying awake in the dark, tee­tering on the edge of insanity. 

Health Nuts aren’t the only cul­prits — there are plenty of ways us normal people can drive our room­mates insane. One is espe­cially egre­gious. Let me put it this way: If clean­liness is next to god­liness, some of y’all are going to H‑E-Double Hockey Sticks. Not keeping your part of the room clean — or worse, allowing your crap to jump the border and get inter­mixed with your roommate’s things — is a major no-no. 

For some reason, some room­mates think it’s OK to leave laundry strewn all around the room dan­gling off fur­niture and cov­ering the floor like it’s the original Palm Sunday. It looks like a laundry basket stepped on a landmine. 

And that’s not the only clutter clut­tering the room. You know who you are. Piles and piles of plastic bottles and food wrappers dot your room like indian burial mounds. There’s more plastic in your room than in the entire cast of “The Real House­wives of Beverly Hills.” All this con­tributes to a room smell that would just make a skunk sit down and cry. 

All this is to say that yes, your roommate is most cer­tainly plotting to kill you. And right now, your only hope for sur­vival is to be the best roommate you can be until summer rolls around. But who am I kidding? Being a good roommate is hard work! So when you balk at the upcharge for a single room next semester, just remember that it’s cheaper than a funeral.

 

Nick Treglia is a sophomore studying History and Applied Mathematics.