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This week, the Final Four bring Peter home to meet their fam­ilies — what parents wouldn’t love to meet the man whose claim to fame is breaking 30 hearts? 

To kick off home­towns, Peter visits Hannah Ann in Ten­nessee. Hannah’s tough as nail’s dad, Rick, works in the lumber industry and has high stan­dards for his daughter’s future husband. Peter tries des­per­ately to prove his wor­thiness with an axe throwing contest.

After a sad showing of physical strength, Peter makes the target on the 10th try. 

Impressive. 

In a shocking turn of events, Rick isn’t exactly won over yet. Rick is excited to have Hannah home, but “of course she brought Peter with her, which is [deep breath] new and exciting, I guess.” Very exciting.

Peter reas­sures him by saying he’s “thinking about telling Hannah I’m falling in love with her.” 

Note the absence of cer­tainty in that statement. I’m sure Rick felt right at ease. 

Peter con­fesses his… affection… and tells Hannah he is “thinking about falling in love” with her. 

I’m swooning.

Peter leaves an over­joyed Hannah to pay a visit to his next girlfriend’s family.

We meet Kelsey in Iowa and our day starts out strong — with alcohol. Did we expect any­thing less from Kelsey?

It appears Kelsey isn’t doing much to curb her alco­holic ten­dencies, espe­cially when she brings Peter to a winery. They make their own special bottle and name it “Wine.” 

Simple. Elo­quent. Cre­ative. I like it.

Peter meets Kelsey’s family and many toasts are said for the happy couple.  I see where Kelsey gets it from. 

Kelsey tells Peter she’s in love with him — but he seems dis­in­ter­ested. Either the wine wore off or he’s just not here for it.

Next, we travel to Alabama to meet Madison at her alma-mater, Auburn Uni­versity. 

Madison’s father is a bas­ketball coach at the school and she was an athlete herself.  Nat­u­rally, she’s excited to introduce Peter to her ath­letic world, but Peter isn’t your typical sporty bachelor. 

So, when Charles Barkley, a retired NBA player and host of ‘Inside the NBA,’ greets the couple, things get awkward. If you don’t at least rec­ognize Barkley’s name, you’ve either been living under a rock or reading too much Aris­totle. 

In Peter’s case it must be the former (I doubt he ponders the good), because he seems con­fused at first. Once Madison iden­tifies Barkley, Peter’s thrilled, but the momentary lapse in recog­nition is embar­rassing enough.

The pair join together for bas­ketball drills with head coach at Auburn, Bruce Pearl and suffice to say, Peter is com­i­cally awful. 

Madison absolutely wrecks him in one-on-one, which (I guess) is an attractive quality in a potential husband? 

We meet Madison’s family and her parents are con­cerned about the couple’s values moving forward. Madison hasn’t told Peter that she’s waiting until mar­riage… and barring details, we are well aware that Peter’s past hasn’t exactly been, well, chaste. 

Fantasy suites should be fun next week.

Last, but cer­tainly not least, Peter meets Vic­toria F. in Vir­ginia Beach. The only good part of the date is when Vic­toria brings her dog to meet Peter.

Coin­ci­den­tally, Peter runs into an ex on the beach who says he deserves better than “what he’s on a date with right now.” Con­sid­ering that Peter deserves very, very little, that’s an auda­cious statement. 

He inves­ti­gates further, only to find that Vic­toria has a rep­u­tation for breaking up rela­tion­ships. Based on her drama-free demeanor, I never saw that one coming. 

When Peter con­fronts Vic­toria, she runs away. Peter leaves without meeting her family and we head into a rose cer­emony. 

Let’s get this straight — Peter is falling in love with three out of four women, met three fam­ilies, and can see three strong futures. Peter isn’t in love with one girl, didn’t meet one family, and knows there is no future with said girl. 

But akin to Bachelor style, Peter gives that one girl a rose, and sends Kelsey home.

I don’t know if Peter’s goal in life is to drive me clin­i­cally insane, but he’s suc­ceeding. 

In prepa­ration for next week, I encourage you all to raise a glass for poor Kelsey (she sure will), and get ready for Victoria’s next tirade.