Let’s get real.
For the last six weeks, I’ve subjected myself to watching 30 scantily-clad women with the intelligence of chickens fight over a man-child boasting an injury caused by his mimosa glass.
I thought I’d be able to watch this week’s episode. I really did. But when MyKenna started crying 30 seconds in, I was out.
I was hoping Peter’s head injury would make him interested in women who actually have personalities, but he’s as dim as ever.
So instead of boring you with the intricate details of this week’s episode, let’s examine Peter’s possible options. Consider this the prequel to my predictions (which are soon to follow).
The numbers have dwindled down to the final four: Kelsey Weier, Victoria Fuller, Hannah Ann Sluss, and Madison Prewett. And trust me, you’ll want to secure your bracket as soon as possible.
Iowa native Kelsey Weier has been drama since day one, and while it seems harsh to pin her as psychologically unstable, I’ve watched her emotional tendencies for the last six weeks and can confirm. With high aspirations of becoming a housewife, she has a promising future. But will that future include Peter?
Kelsey’s given us some good moments the last few weeks. When she gifted the champagne bottle to Peter, she said it would show her heart and what she wants.” But, that turned out to be quite the controversy when Kelsey accused Hannah Ann of stealing the bottle (a class one felony in Bachelor-dom). Of course this prompted a full on break down and Kelsey’s true colors shone through. Kelsey eventually reacquired the champagne, only to have it literally explode in her face upon opening it.
Kelsey was later accused of alcoholism, which is hard to argue with after she said a champagne bottle was reminiscent of her hopes and dreams.
For our sake, I hope she swaps the bottle of champagne for a bottle of Xanax. It might make next week more bearable.
Unemployed Virginian Victoria Fuller was drama before she even came on the show. She allegedly modeled for a “white lives matter” clothing brand, though I’m sure Peter is just interested in the modeling part of the story. She also had a relationship with country singer Chase Rice, who, if you remember, performed for her and Peter on their first date. To make matters worse, apparently this next episode will prove even more damning for Victoria — the previews bring to light her shady past of breaking up marriages and past dating behavior.
Charming character put aside, Victoria’s name screams one thing: baggage.
Knoxville’s Hannah Ann Sluss has big ‘I’m too young for marriage, but I want the social clout’ energy. She lives at home with her parents and siblings. Not exactly wife material, but once she graduates high school I’m sure she will be.
That leaves my favorite, and Peter’s too, Madison Prewett. She’s managed to stay out of drama, she’s also very religious, and though it’s a low bar to meet, is way too good for Peter.
We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled column next week, but I think this was a well deserved break.
Hometowns are rapidly approaching — and I have a feeling we won’t want to miss this one. I’ll do my best not to.