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Courtesy |Wiki­media Commons

Let’s get real.

For the last six weeks, I’ve sub­jected myself to watching 30 scantily-clad women with the intel­li­gence of chickens fight over a man-child boasting an injury caused by his mimosa glass.

I thought I’d be able to watch this week’s episode. I really did. But when MyKenna started crying 30 seconds in, I was out. 

I was hoping Peter’s head injury would make him inter­ested in women who actually have per­son­al­ities, but he’s as dim as ever. 

So instead of boring you with the intricate details of this week’s episode, let’s examine Peter’s pos­sible options. Con­sider this the prequel to my pre­dic­tions (which are soon to follow).

The numbers have dwindled down to the final four: Kelsey Weier, Vic­toria Fuller, Hannah Ann Sluss, and Madison Prewett. And trust me, you’ll want to secure your bracket as soon as pos­sible. 

Iowa native Kelsey Weier has been drama since day one, and while it seems harsh to pin her as psy­cho­log­i­cally unstable, I’ve watched her emo­tional ten­dencies for the last six weeks and can confirm. With high aspi­ra­tions of becoming a housewife, she has a promising future. But will that future include Peter?

Kelsey’s given us some good moments the last few weeks. When she gifted the cham­pagne bottle to Peter, she said it would show her heart and what she wants.” But, that turned out to be quite the con­tro­versy when Kelsey accused Hannah Ann of stealing the bottle (a class one felony in Bachelor-dom). Of course this prompted a full on break down and Kelsey’s true colors shone through. Kelsey even­tually reac­quired the cham­pagne, only to have it lit­erally explode in her face upon opening it. 

Kelsey was later accused of alco­holism, which is hard to argue with after she said a cham­pagne bottle was rem­i­niscent of her hopes and dreams. 

For our sake, I hope she swaps the bottle of cham­pagne for a bottle of Xanax. It might make next week more bearable. 

Unem­ployed Vir­ginian Vic­toria Fuller was drama before she even came on the show. She allegedly modeled for a “white lives matter” clothing brand, though I’m sure Peter is just inter­ested in the mod­eling part of the story. She also had a rela­tionship with country singer Chase Rice, who, if you remember, per­formed for her and Peter on their first date. To make matters worse, appar­ently this next episode will prove even more damning for Vic­toria — the pre­views bring to light her shady past of breaking up mar­riages and past dating behavior. 

Charming char­acter put aside, Victoria’s name screams one thing: baggage.

Knoxville’s Hannah Ann Sluss has big ‘I’m too young for mar­riage, but I want the social clout’ energy. She lives at home with her parents and sib­lings. Not exactly wife material, but once she grad­uates high school I’m sure she will be.

 

That leaves my favorite, and Peter’s too, Madison Prewett. She’s managed to stay out of drama, she’s also very reli­gious, and though it’s a low bar to meet, is way too good for Peter. 

We’ll be back to our reg­u­larly scheduled column next week, but I think this was a well deserved break.

Home­towns are rapidly approaching — and I have a feeling we won’t want to miss this one. I’ll do my best not to.