I cry during ‘The Bachelor’ so you don’t have to

I cry during ‘The Bachelor’ so you don’t have to

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I know we were all on the edge of our seats last week, but rest assured — this episode delivered.

Episode four starts off with host Chris Har­rison (a total dreamboat, why can’t he be the bachelor?) telling the girls that their “journey will take you all around the world… and it all begins… in Cleveland, Ohio!” Everyone, contain your excitement.

Vic­toria F. receives the honor of going on the first one-on-one this week and she is ecstatic when she sees that Peter has planned a romantic plane ride for the couple: “Why are we at an airport omg no no please omg no!!! Stop !!! I’m lit­erally drooling I can’t breathe.” She is lit­erally drooling. 

The pair is ser­e­naded by country singer Chase Rice. You may not know him, but Vic­toria does. It turns out Vic­toria and Chris dated — a fact Peter was bliss­fully unaware of. Things get awkward when Peter says, “maybe we’ll dance to a Chase Rice song at our wedding.” Maybe, Peter, maybe. 

The two go on a romantic dinner and Vic­toria F. tells Peter about Chase. The con­ver­sation goes some­thing like this: 

Vic­toria F.: “Chase and I used to date.”

Peter: “Like, the singer Chase?” (Vic­toria nods) “Wait what… no… I talked to him… like… what… like…”

Cap­ti­vating dia­logue.

Vic­toria F. Has an emo­tional breakdown, runs away, and cries in a corner before Peter (reluc­tantly) gives her a rose.

The first group date activity is a football game. Is it a good idea to pit two teams of emo­tional girls against each other and give them full per­mission to tackle, push, and beat each other? Always.

Not to mention, these girls are already missing enough brain cells. I fear they might go brain dead alto­gether if a football hits them the wrong way. 

Regardless, at least you don’t have to worry about the Super Bowl this weekend — the real game already ended. It’s fitting this week’s episode is in Cleveland; I didn’t think anyone could be worse than the Browns, but here we are… the Bachelor Bowl. 

Let me tell you — it was a major upset for the Killer Bees this season. One of the only times we’ve seen Shiann step up this year, but we hope to see it con­tinue in coming games. Right now, it’s not looking good for Mykenna (I’ve heard trade talks are afoot), but she still has some time. 

The girls trade in their pads for evening gowns and get ready for the night. The cocktail party is going fine, until a blast from the past struts in. Just when you thought we got rid of her — here comes Alayah.

The girls seem rather per­turbed. 

Vic­toria P. loses her mind and erupts into tears when Alayah calls her out for being “sketchy.” Vic­toria remains strong and tells Peter that “my truth is the truth” (my newest answer when Dr. Arnn asks what the true is), but to no avail. 

Peter, amidst the dropped jaws and water­works, makes an appalling decision to give Alayah the group date rose. Remember, Alayah wasn’t even on the group date. There must be some sort of divine inter­vention involved to magnify the drama (ahem, looking at you pro­ducers).

There’s another one-on-one with Kelsey, but it’s really not worth dis­cussing. Take my word for it. 

The episode ends with a com­mercial for depression med­ication. And hon­estly, after suf­fering through the whole fifty minutes, I might need it.

Until next time.