For three and a half years, Thor D. Weel felt like a third wheel to his best friend and his girl­friend, who began Hills­dating after spending three hours in Saga dis­cussing how the char­acters from Oedipus resemble various char­acters from “Dr. Who.”

But Wheel was deter­mined to make third-wheeling rel­evant, and after his two best friends got engaged earlier this spring, he decided with the couple that he would offi­ciate their wedding. That’s when he began col­lecting sig­na­tures for Provost Yall Failin’.

“When Wheel first sug­gested the min­istry major, I was dubious,” Failin’ said. “But when I dis­covered that those people had an average 95 percent success rate in match­making, I knew they were on to some­thing.”

Beginning in the fall 2017 semester, stu­dents will now be able to major or minor in Min­istry Studies.

In addition to classes in bib­lical studies and preaching, the major will include classes in Natural Family Planning, Offi­ci­ating Wedding Cer­e­monies, and Marital Coun­seling. Stu­dents can add a John Paul II emphasis, fea­turing The­ology of the Body, a campus-couple favorite.

Seniors in the major are required to offi­ciate at least one wedding prior to grad­u­ation in lieu of comps or a thesis.

“The pressure to be in mar­riage-focused rela­tion­ships at Hillsdale is so strong it could make a diamond out of the unad­dressed tension between couples,” Forever Alone said. “The min­istry major’s prac­tical side will not just prepare us for the real world, but will also help couples worried about taking the next step feel ready to do so by springtime.”

Some course listings raised eye­brows among certain female stu­dents, however, including: On Duties of a Minister’s Wife and Chil­drearing and the Work­place.

“The min­istry department shouldn’t dis­tin­guish the roles of stu­dents of both genders in such an out­dated, patri­archal way,” junior Suzie J. Warrior said. “This major should be an arena in which Hillsdale leads the way toward equality in the church.”

In another effort to be viewed as more inclusive, the Min­istry department will only allow one pro­fessor per denom­i­nation, including one sci­en­tol­ogist.

“Just as Christ Chapel is a house of inter­de­nom­i­na­tional worship, the min­istry major should be too,” the new sci­en­tology hire Elron Hubbard said. “I’m happy to rep­resent my beliefs in the campus-wide denom­i­na­tional debates I’ve heard so much about.”

In order to accom­modate the increased number of married stu­dents on campus, the school is adding classes on home­schooling and resus­ci­tating Home Eco­nomics. The financial aid office has announced special loans for engagement rings, wedding bands, and wedding rings.

Failin’ refused to comment on rumors about a pos­sible M.R.S. degree.