For three and a half years, Thor D. Weel felt like a third wheel to his best friend and his girlfriend, who began Hillsdating after spending three hours in Saga discussing how the characters from Oedipus resemble various characters from “Dr. Who.”
But Wheel was determined to make third-wheeling relevant, and after his two best friends got engaged earlier this spring, he decided with the couple that he would officiate their wedding. That’s when he began collecting signatures for Provost Yall Failin’.
“When Wheel first suggested the ministry major, I was dubious,” Failin’ said. “But when I discovered that those people had an average 95 percent success rate in matchmaking, I knew they were on to something.”
Beginning in the fall 2017 semester, students will now be able to major or minor in Ministry Studies.
In addition to classes in biblical studies and preaching, the major will include classes in Natural Family Planning, Officiating Wedding Ceremonies, and Marital Counseling. Students can add a John Paul II emphasis, featuring Theology of the Body, a campus-couple favorite.
Seniors in the major are required to officiate at least one wedding prior to graduation in lieu of comps or a thesis.
“The pressure to be in marriage-focused relationships at Hillsdale is so strong it could make a diamond out of the unaddressed tension between couples,” Forever Alone said. “The ministry major’s practical side will not just prepare us for the real world, but will also help couples worried about taking the next step feel ready to do so by springtime.”
Some course listings raised eyebrows among certain female students, however, including: On Duties of a Minister’s Wife and Childrearing and the Workplace.
“The ministry department shouldn’t distinguish the roles of students of both genders in such an outdated, patriarchal way,” junior Suzie J. Warrior said. “This major should be an arena in which Hillsdale leads the way toward equality in the church.”
In another effort to be viewed as more inclusive, the Ministry department will only allow one professor per denomination, including one scientologist.
“Just as Christ Chapel is a house of interdenominational worship, the ministry major should be too,” the new scientology hire Elron Hubbard said. “I’m happy to represent my beliefs in the campus-wide denominational debates I’ve heard so much about.”
In order to accommodate the increased number of married students on campus, the school is adding classes on homeschooling and resuscitating Home Economics. The financial aid office has announced special loans for engagement rings, wedding bands, and wedding rings.
Failin’ refused to comment on rumors about a possible M.R.S. degree.