Tuesday was Valentine’s Day, a day of romantic opportunity. But just like every other day, myriads of young men and women stare at each other from across tables in Bon Appetít with blank faces trying to hide how they really feel. Stagnant first semester crushes continue to fester with no sign of ever developing into a real relationship.
Hillsdale students have created a stifling dating climate that looks very different from the mainstream hookup culture. This “Hillsdating” ignores the problems of modern relationships, and in fact makes the dating landscape more confusing than the culture’s at large. Casual dating is the way out of this mess because it balances relationship direction with moderation.
This passivity is a response to the current landscape of American dating culture. We live in a post-God, post-truth society that leaves people wondering where their identity comes from. Many go looking for it in relationships. Society tells young people they can fill the void in their heart with another person. The message that true love leads to happiness dominates romantic comedies, most Disney movies, and much of everything else the film industry produces.
To find this happiness, people start looking around for someone who makes them feel good, rather than a family-focused, God-centered marriage. Accepting this point of view allows society to claim someone is worth less if they are not in a relationship, and that mutually loving for one’s own benefit is the highest form of love. Without God, this is best that our society can come up with. The focus of relationships has shifted from the long term to the here and now.
These relationships provide little usable information about their significant others while increasing the dependency the two have on each other. This becomes a vicious cycle of dependency and distress because these people may find someone they believe they love, get married, then file for divorce. Practice makes perfect, and our culture has perfected the art of the break-up. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce.
The other side of today’s dating culture as a whole is a “hookup” culture that revels in sex without relationships or relationships for the sake of sex. Hillsdating is an extreme reaction to this aspect of our culture.
A direct contrast to Hilldsating, casual dating — eating dinner at a restaurant, going to a park, or watching a movie — is low-stress and well-defined. The intention and direction of the relationship is clear, and both parties agree to it. It allows for people to be more honest about their feelings.
The real answer to the problem of what we should do is in the past. Casual dating, the way our parents probably met, is the best approach to navigating today’s relationship jungle, but, like letter writing, it requires practice and patience. We are going to have to start using it in order for it to work.
It allows one to get to know more members of the opposite sex before beginning a relationship and investing enormous amounts of time and energy. If it doesn’t work out, than the damage is minimal, and two people can probably still be friends (unless the date was really bad) because the relationship was still preliminary. The chances of finding someone that has the same goals and desires as oneself increases with meeting more people and getting to know them better. These meetings are minimal in the current dating climate at Hillsdale but flourish under casual dating.
Per the Judeo-Christian faith, men are called to lead in marriage, family, and their communities. This starts with relationships before marriage. Men need to be clear about the relationships before they even start. Casual dating is a way for them to take charge. It also allows women to take initiative as well. Nowhere in the Bible does it say women can’t take the first step in a relationship or show their interest.
Women have to stop putting so much stock into the possibilities rather than the actualities of relationships. Also, don’t be afraid to be more obvious than you think is necessary: men are often dense when it comes to recognizing interest. After a few dates, perhaps ask where they think the relationship is headed, and make them say what they may not be willing to say outright. Communication is key to casual dating.
Because our culture has hardwired the idea that our value is dependent on our relationships, learning that we are incompatible with someone else seems dehumanizing. This is wrong. There is no shame in saying “No” to a second date. It saves everybody time, but it requires brutal honesty.
The hardest pill to swallow is the fact that not every love interest will bloom into relationship, but the benefit is that Hillsdale students can focus on starting real relationships founded on communication and directionality.
The only way to change the dating climate at Hillsdale is to do something. Go out on a date with someone!