When Sprint offered me a brand new iPhone 7 for next to nothing after my iPhone 5c crashed, I wasn’t relieved. I felt like a kid being bullied on the playground.
Apple’s new iPhone 7 is nothing short of subpar, and they’ve attempted to coerce their loyal customers to buy its overpriced mediocrity in one of two ways: By over-advertising new features that are nothing more than novelty, or by breaking your existing Apple product with the newest update.
I hadn’t upgraded my phone in nearly four years, so my carrier was able to ship it to my apartment for free just days after the iPhone 7 release. Broke and phoneless, I couldn’t say no.
Now I am stuck in an abusive relationship with Apple for at least two more years thanks to a mandatory contract. Apple’s update destroyed my phone and many others’ on Hillsdale’s campus, and Apple’s peace offering is nothing more than an overpriced gizmo that gives you features that you neither need nor want.
Earlier this month, Apple CEO Tim Cook released the iPhone 7 and the iOS 10 update for its mobile devices. Cook boasted the phone’s new minimalist design, upgraded camera, increased speaker quality, water resistance, and Bluetooth headphones.
While all those features seem nice, I was wondering why my very reliable iPhone 5c had started acting up after downloading the newest software update.
The reason for my phone’s demise is simple: the iPhone 7 has a new processor, one created specifically to handle the iOS 10 software. But Apple offers this update to all its mobile users, knowing full well that the older models can’t handle it. The worst part is the iOS 10 features aren’t worth breaking your phone.
iOS 10 offers a new user interface, as well as new iMessage features that don’t refine the way you text, but complicate communication with gimmicky apps such as handwritten notes, heartbeat sensors, and enlarged emojis.
These aren’t improvements nor are they innovations. Paper and pencil, as well as a well-placed finger on a vein to check your pulse, are free and more affordable ways to accomplish the same tasks.
The real kicker for many of these features is that you need to download iOS 10 to interact with other phones using the new updates. So if your sweetheart wants to send you a real time image of how her heart beats for you, and you have an iPhone 5 for example, you need to download the update which will inevitably slow down your phone and — potentially — lead to its demise.
With the prices of an iPhone 7 going for more than $650 on Apple’s website, it’s a hefty price to
pay for digital flirting.
New software features aside, the new physical additions to the phone can be categorized as nifty or inconvenient.
The new water- and dust-resistant coating on the phone gives the user comfort in knowing the occasional drop of rain or speck of dirt won’t harm the physical components inside. But it’s about time that Apple start giving their customers a phone that can take the beating of everyday life.
It doesn’t take a Steve Jobs to realize that slapping a LifeProof case, which has been on the market since 2011, on your existing phone allows you to actually submerge your phone in almost ten feet of water for around $80.
But perhaps the prime inconvenience is Apple’s attempt at a forced technological revolution: the iPhone 7 lacks a headphone jack.
No longer can you pass the auxiliary cord from friend to friend on long road trips, or walk across the quad wired into your phone to avoid social interactions without the use of the included adapter. Thinner than a shoe string and only two inches long, it is now something you must remember to grab in addition to your wallet and keys. Plus, due to its size, it’s suspect to being lost even more easily than your other accessories.
Apple bullies you into two audio options. The first is to use the silly adapter or to use the included wired headphones, which are only accessible with the iPhone 7’s Lightning Port.
This means that if you want to switch from listening to music on your phone to music on your laptop in AJ’s, you need to carry two seats of headphones with you up the hill. Or carry the tiny adapter and your normal headphones — but good luck finding it in your backpack filled with papers and books.
Apple, in a true feat of generosity, offers a solution to the problem they created with its new EarPods. These wireless headphones pair seamlessly with the iPhone 7 and free up your pockets of headphones and adapters for $140.
After crunching all the numbers, Apple will be charging you nearly $800 for the iPhone 7 and EarPods as a solution to the technological headache they caused with their newest software update and murder of the headphone jack.
If you have an iPhone 5 and you notice that it’s acting up, don’t flock to the tempting advertisements for the iPhone 7 as an immediate solution. Two years from now, with a fizzling iPhone 7 screen in my hand, I’ll be wishing that I walked away.
Don’t buy the iPhone 7. It’s too late for me. But go. Run. Save yourself, your phone, and your money.