Apple's iPhone 7 and iOS 10 does more than disappoint | Thomas Novelly
Apple’s iPhone 7 and iOS 10 does more than dis­ap­point | Thomas Novelly

When Sprint offered me a brand new iPhone 7 for next to nothing after my iPhone 5c crashed, I wasn’t relieved. I felt like a kid being bullied on the play­ground.

Apple’s new iPhone 7 is nothing short of subpar, and they’ve attempted to coerce their loyal cus­tomers to buy its over­priced medi­ocrity in one of two ways: By over-adver­tising new fea­tures that are nothing more than novelty, or by breaking your existing Apple product with the newest update.

I hadn’t upgraded my phone in nearly four years, so my carrier was able to ship it to my apartment for free just days after the iPhone 7 release. Broke and phoneless, I couldn’t say no.

Now I am stuck in an abusive rela­tionship with Apple for at least two more years thanks to a mandatory con­tract. Apple’s update destroyed my phone and many others’ on Hillsdale’s campus, and Apple’s peace offering is nothing more than an over­priced gizmo that gives you fea­tures that you neither need nor want.

Earlier this month, Apple CEO Tim Cook released the iPhone 7 and the iOS 10 update for its mobile devices. Cook boasted the phone’s new min­i­malist design, upgraded camera, increased speaker quality, water resis­tance, and Blue­tooth head­phones.

While all those fea­tures seem nice, I was won­dering why my very reliable iPhone 5c had started acting up after down­loading the newest software update.

The reason for my phone’s demise is simple: the iPhone 7 has a new processor, one created specif­i­cally to handle the iOS 10 software. But Apple offers this update to all its mobile users, knowing full well that the older models can’t handle it. The worst part is the iOS 10 fea­tures aren’t worth breaking your phone.

iOS 10 offers a new user interface, as well as new iMessage fea­tures that don’t refine the way you text, but com­plicate com­mu­ni­cation with gim­micky apps such as hand­written notes, heartbeat sensors, and enlarged emojis.

These aren’t improve­ments nor are they inno­va­tions. Paper and pencil, as well as a well-placed finger on a vein to check your pulse, are free and more affordable ways to accom­plish the same tasks.

The real kicker for many of these fea­tures is that you need to download iOS 10 to interact with other phones using the new updates. So if your sweet­heart wants to send you a real time image of how her heart beats for you, and you have an iPhone 5 for example, you need to download the update which will inevitably slow down your phone and — poten­tially — lead to its demise.

With the prices of an iPhone 7 going for more than $650 on Apple’s website, it’s a hefty price to

pay for digital flirting.

New software fea­tures aside, the new physical addi­tions to the phone can be cat­e­go­rized as nifty or incon­ve­nient.

The new water- and dust-resistant coating on the phone gives the user comfort in knowing the occa­sional drop of rain or speck of dirt won’t harm the physical com­po­nents inside. But it’s about time that Apple start giving their cus­tomers a phone that can take the beating of everyday life.

It doesn’t take a Steve Jobs to realize that slapping a Life­Proof case, which has been on the market since 2011, on your existing phone allows you to actually sub­merge your phone in almost ten feet of water for around $80.  

But perhaps the prime incon­ve­nience is Apple’s attempt at a forced tech­no­logical rev­o­lution: the iPhone 7 lacks a head­phone jack.

No longer can you pass the aux­iliary cord from friend to friend on long road trips, or walk across the quad wired into your phone to avoid social inter­ac­tions without the use of the included adapter. Thinner than a shoe string and only two inches long, it is now some­thing you must remember to grab in addition to your wallet and keys. Plus, due to its size, it’s suspect to being lost even more easily than your other acces­sories.

Apple bullies you into two audio options. The first is to use the silly adapter or to use the included wired head­phones, which are only acces­sible with the iPhone 7’s Lightning Port.

This means that if you want to switch from lis­tening to music on your phone to music on your laptop in AJ’s, you need to carry two seats of head­phones with you up the hill. Or carry the tiny adapter and your normal head­phones — but good luck finding it in your backpack filled with papers and books.

Apple, in a true feat of gen­erosity, offers a solution to the problem they created with its new EarPods. These wireless head­phones pair seam­lessly with the iPhone 7 and free up your pockets of head­phones and adapters for $140.

After crunching all the numbers, Apple will be charging you nearly $800 for the iPhone 7 and EarPods as a solution to the tech­no­logical headache they caused with their newest software update and murder of the head­phone jack.

If you have an iPhone 5 and you notice that it’s acting up, don’t flock to the tempting adver­tise­ments for the iPhone 7 as an imme­diate solution. Two years from now, with a fiz­zling iPhone 7 screen in my hand, I’ll be wishing that I walked away.

Don’t buy the iPhone 7. It’s too late for me. But go. Run. Save yourself, your phone, and your money.