Emma Watson: the perfect commencement speaker

Home Opinion Emma Watson: the perfect commencement speaker

Emma Watson should be this year’s commencement speaker. We’d get two people for the price of one: a famous actress and, more importantly, Hermione Granger. It’s like inviting Dr. Jekyll, if he were drop-dead gorgeous, and if Mr. Hyde were my magical dream woman.

Ms. Watson also fits perfectly with the values of Hillsdale College. She got straight “A’s” in high school, was essentially homeschooled by tutors on the set of the Harry Potter films, and later studied literature at Brown and Oxford — where she was, of course, accepted based solely on her academic accomplishments. Hermione Granger is also an excellent student, and received the only “E” of her Hogwarts career (that’s an “A-” on the 4.0 scale) in “Defense Against the Dark Arts,” which is kind of a guys’ subject anyway.

She is even more suited for those in Hillsdale’s career-oriented camp. At age 22, Ms. Watson is one of the world’s most recognizable models and actresses and is worth an estimated $40 million. Hermione Granger, meanwhile, has helped save the world seven or eight times, depending on how you count it.

Besides sharing a common vision, there is so much Ms. Watson could teach us. After working as the face of Burberry and Lancôme, she helped design a fashion line called People Tree. We at Hillsdale like fashion, but we’re sheltered, and we have questions. Is it cool to wear running shoes with my polo and khakis? Can I wear poofy boots with my chunky wool sweater and spandex tights, or is it classier to stick with heels? What’s with dudes rolling their pants up above their socks these days? She can sympathize, because Hermione was frizzy-haired and nerdy until “Prisoner of Azkaban.”

Then there’s the nature of commencement itself. One of your classmates, whom you just want to get away from after four years, exhorts you to remember all the wonderful experiences you supposedly shared. Then a professor from someone else’s college gets up and urges you to live your lives remembering the experiences he definitely never shared. Then, for two hours, you sit on hard foldout chairs watching people all wearing the same thing walk across a stage. You get sore and hot and sleepy, and there’s no coffee.

But what if, instead, you knew that she was about to stand up and look out over the crowd? What if you knew that everyone else in the room would just melt away, and she’d be talking to you alone in that huge converted gym, telling you to make something of yourself, to make her proud? And then she’d pull out her broomstick, and you’d hold onto her tight because Hermione was always terrible at flying, and you’d soar off toward London while the wind streamed her hair back into your face. And —

Sorry. The real reason for recommending Ms. Watson is that she is a stellar academic and business woman who believes in a liberal arts education. I hear she is a staunch neo-con, a passionate pro-life activist, and a loyal Imprimis reader. She was once asked to leave the London Public Library for “exercising [her] Second Amendment rights” by packing a Colt .45 in plain sight while checking out Aristotle’s “Nicomachean Ethics.” Her $40 million could still be taking care of our endowment 70 years after her fellow donors are dead. She could help save America if she met the 2032 Republican presidential nominee at commencement. Because every president needs a classy British wife to fuel his campaign. Just ask Dr. Arnn.