I may be going against the usual trend here at Hillsdale, but the whole idea of “ring by spring” is the scariest thing I have ever heard. In fact, the mere mention of it sets my teenage anti-commitment alarm screaming, which usually manifests itself externally with a nervous chuckle and a drawn-out, “Yeahhh…’bout that…”
What I have garnered from my extensive experience with all things marital (two hours spent awkwardly standing around at a friend’s reception) is that the wedding is all about the girl. Men are missing out on some awesome opportunities by letting women plan out their Disney-based fantasies. Let’s think about it: if a guy were put in charge of his own wedding, it’d probably end up with a crowd in football jerseys standing in front of a beer fountain screaming, “GIT ‘R DUUUN!” while the rings are brought in by a Special Forces team as the fuel-air explosions rock the foundations of the church, barely drowning out the sound of the heavy metal band in front of the Jesus statue. If you do not feel the urge to high-five someone after that image, you are not a real man.
A wedding also gives you a chance to spend money like the president! Seriously, just blow everything you have and more. Car? Sold. Apartment? Gone! Her parents’ retirement savings? HAH! Just dump that sucker right into the wedding coffer! You only get one chance to celebrate the disappearance of your independence and freedom, so why not go out with a bang? No, seriously. I’m thinking cannons. Please? If you do, I’ll go. Think about the bonds you’ll forge with each other as you’re living out of a box on Main Street. I can already see the divorce rates plummeting.
I haven’t even gotten to the best part of all of this yet. Remember the whole “’Til death do us part” thing? Yeah, buddy, you can do whatever you want now! You are not trying to impress anyone anymore. You could eat Doritos and chocolate covered bacon for every meal! What could she possibly do? I’ll tell you what: absolutely nothing. Your very souls have been entwined by God. There is no way she is getting out of that knot.
Marriage will be the greatest party of your life. You can do whatever you want with nobody to tell you otherwise, and who hasn’t wanted to blow all the cash they have on something that only lasts for eight hours? It is going to be the…Oh, wait, she wants kids? Well, you are screwed.