I may be going against the usual trend here at Hillsdale, but the whole idea of “ring by spring” is the scariest thing I have ever heard. In fact, the mere mention of it sets my teenage anti-com­mitment alarm screaming, which usually man­i­fests itself exter­nally with a nervous chuckle and a drawn-out, “Yeahhh…’bout that…”

What I have gar­nered from my extensive expe­rience with all things marital (two hours spent awk­wardly standing around at a friend’s reception) is that the wedding is all about the girl. Men are missing out on some awesome oppor­tu­nities by letting women plan out their Disney-based fan­tasies. Let’s think about it: if a guy were put in charge of his own wedding, it’d probably end up with a crowd in football jerseys standing in front of a beer fountain screaming, “GIT ‘R DUUUN!” while the rings are brought in by a Special Forces team as the fuel-air explo­sions rock the foun­da­tions of the church, barely drowning out the sound of the heavy metal band in front of the Jesus statue. If you do not feel the urge to high-five someone after that image, you are not a real man.

A wedding also gives you a chance to spend money like the pres­ident! Seri­ously, just blow every­thing you have and more. Car? Sold. Apartment? Gone! Her parents’ retirement savings? HAH! Just dump that sucker right into the wedding coffer! You only get one chance to cel­e­brate the dis­ap­pearance of your inde­pen­dence and freedom, so why not go out with a bang? No, seri­ously. I’m thinking cannons. Please? If you do, I’ll go. Think about the bonds you’ll forge with each other as you’re living out of a box on Main Street. I can already see the divorce rates plum­meting.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part of all of this yet. Remember the whole “’Til death do us part” thing? Yeah, buddy, you can do whatever you want now! You are not trying to impress anyone anymore. You could eat Doritos and chocolate covered bacon for every meal! What could she pos­sibly do? I’ll tell you what: absolutely nothing. Your very souls have been entwined by God. There is no way she is getting out of that knot.

Mar­riage will be the greatest party of your life. You can do whatever you want with nobody to tell you oth­erwise, and who hasn’t wanted to blow all the cash they have on some­thing that only lasts for eight hours? It is going to be the…Oh, wait, she wants kids? Well, you are screwed.